Seven Letter Words #Wattys2016

Part 10

Juliet

My heart was still beating quickly when the door to the bathroom shut with a click. It ached a little and I knew it wasn't just from the speedy rhythm. I hurt for Liam and what he must have seen. I also hurt for my brother. There was nothing left for me to be strong about. His body was buried and the services complete. I sat at the end of the bed and felt the weight of the entire experience fall heavily on my shoulders.

There were many things that stung about losing Ken so early. I'd never get to meet his wife, or hold his children. I'd never get to see him barbeque on the weekend or watch a movie with me. There were so many moments that were stripped from my future just because he wouldn't be there. It wasn't fair.

Whenever I was hurt or sad, he'd tuck my head beneath his chin and wrap his big arms around me. There was nothing he couldn't make feel better just by being my big brother. Tears began to cloud my vision as I tried to convince myself that it would stop hurting one day, but I knew it never would. I'd never be able to think of him without immediately feeling his loss. I wiped away a few tears, but soon my chest burned from the pain of knowing he was gone and today was the last day we shared any space above ground.

I don't know how to explain the feeling that came next. It felt more like the absence of something than the actual thing itself. Like something had sucked all the life from the room and left my organs starving for air and nourishment. My body ached and a dull throb pounded from within my chest. I tried to breathe in deep, but found that even air caused the feeling to intensify. Maybe I'd die of this loneliness.

I knew that was it. If I had to choose one word to describe what it felt like to be the only child, I would say lonely. I didn't have to have years of experience without Ken to know that there would always be a piece of my heart that was lonely. My soul knew it was missing a sibling. We had shared the same parents, slept in rooms right next door, and fought like we were starting epic wars only to make up over snuck ice cream after our parents were asleep. He was supposed to be my steady friend, protector and company for the rest of our lives.

My shoulders shook from my quiet cry. I folded over, tucking my feet up and wrapping my arms around my legs. I felt myself rocking slowly, like something primal knew that I needed the soothing comfort. Was he afraid? Had he known what was happening as he took his last breath? I didn't think I could handle the answer to those questions, but I knew I'd never stop wondering.

The room was dark and quiet. The only sound was the water from Liam's shower. I didn't think I could take the loneliness any longer. There was desperation from within to make it go away. Perhaps somehow my heart and soul knew that being alone was dangerous. The revolving thoughts and suffocating sadness would eventually drive me insane. I already felt eager to push it all away at any cost.

I clamped my eyes closed and called softly to my brother. Maybe he couldn't hear me. I'd never really thought about what would happen after we died. As a kid you live with the beautiful naiveté that you will live forever. Death is for old people, sick people, and unlucky people. Death was not for me or for him. "Ken," I called softly, chocking a little on the lump in my throat. "Ken, please. I miss you," I whispered, pressing my knees into my eyes to help soothe the ache.

I pictured him then, the strong man that he was before he left. He was wearing a Marines t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. He stood near our tree that mom had insisted we set up before he left. He'd made some joke at my expense and I had tossed a pillow at him. I felt my lips curl up with the memory. I ran at him, jumping onto his back and wrapping my arms around his neck to pretend to choke him out. My mom laughed from the kitchen and promised to give both of us coal if we knocked over the tree. I laughed through the tears, but the tears still came.

Would I ever forget what he looked like? Would I forget what it felt like for him to hug me or even trip me as he walked down our short hallway at our house? I didn't want to let any memories slip through my mind. I wanted to box them all up so I could sort through them whenever I needed to. I just wanted him to come home.

My mind went dark again, and then he appeared. This time in his cammies. It was an image of him he'd sent to my phone. His arms were slung over the shoulders of Garver and another man. I couldn't quite picture his friend's face, but my eyes opened and I jumped up to find my phone. I'd almost forgotten those last few messages before he'd boarded the plane that took him to meet fate. I scrolled through the text until the image shone bright on the screen in the otherwise dark room.

Garver smiled and held his fist up as if to punch Ken in the jaw while the other man, Liam, pretended to kiss my brother's cheek. Ken's smile was large and so full of life. He was happy then. Maybe the happiest I'd seen him. He loved being a Marine and told me that being deployed was the highlight. He'd trained so hard that he would have been disappointed if he didn't ever get to experience the real thing.

I sat back down on Liam's bed, slowly moving my finger over the image. What a great brother to leave me behind his friends that would happily step in to help me when I needed them. Liam hadn't even hesitated to make sure I could carry out Ken's last request. He'd held me in his arms and comforted me, just like my brother would have. Maybe Ken couldn't be here to see me through losing him, but he made sure I wouldn't go through it alone.

I climbed up the bed and pulled back the covers. I wasn't sure how Liam was going to react when he saw me tucked into bed where he'd just been. If I'd tried to sleep on my own, the loneliness would have swallowed me up. I'm sure my heart would have broke into a million tiny pieces and got lost in the darkness the lonely brought. Instead, I curled myself up and clenched my last picture of my brother in my hand near my chest. In the morning I might find the strength to force boundaries, but at night in the loneliness I'd use the lifeline my brother had sent me.