Barely Surviving // TWD // Daryl Dixon #Wattys2016

Chapter XIII -- Sinking

"Let them think what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank – but that's not the same thing."

- Joseph Conrad, The Secret Sharer and Other Stories

A few days had passed, I wasn't sure how many but around a week. I just knew that because Randall had gotten better, Rick and Shane were getting everything ready to leave the boy several miles away from us.

My mother still hadn't talked to me, not even once asked me how I was or much less telling me she was glad she didn't lose us both. I didn't want to talk to her either. There were times I felt sad and alone because of her and other times I remembered when she told Daryl she didn't know if we were going to find Sophia, making me really upset all over again.

There were times I felt like this was her fault for not taking care of us, for not running after us and there are other times when I blamed myself and there were times when I blamed everyone but that didn't happen that often, it was mostly just myself or my mum that I blamed.

I was filled with rage towards my mother, the group, destiny, science, everything, especially the walker that did this to my sister. I just wish I could find it so I could kill it with my own hands. I wanted to make sure someone paid for it but that wouldn't be possible.

I was also filled with grief. I hadn't been the same all these days. I hadn't gone out of the house, I hadn't talked much and I had barely eaten. Actually, I had stayed with Beth all this time.

I had fallen asleep on the bathroom that day when everything cascaded into me, Maggie found me about two hours later. She had to unlock the door and get me. She took me to Beth's room, where Hershel was. He hydrated me and gave me something to relax my muscles.

Beth didn't let me leave her room and after two days I enjoyed being with Beth, I didn't want to leave. Not even to find Daryl. He had come to see me every day, trying to get me to go for a walk or get me to tell him something but I don't say much to him or anyone else.

It was like a switch was turned off inside of me. I felt like all kind of joy had been ripped out from me and the emptiness that it left, was filled with grief, sorrow, helplessness and lack of will to keep on.

It was like something similar to what happened to Beth just after what happened in the barn, except it took a bit longer to hit me.

People were trying to get us separated. They said we needed to cheer each other but we were so depressed that we weren't doing that, we were doing the opposite, bringing each other down even more or that's what they thought.

I was just coming back from the bathroom when I saw Lori walking into the room. She had brought us some food about an hour ago, I ate two slides of tomato and two of cucumber while Beth ate nothing at all.

"Couldn't eat a thing, huh?" Lori said, looking at the untouched food. "You're gonna – Hey!" she stopped mid-sentence when she heard Beth sobbing.

Lori knelt next to the bed, Beth had sat up. I just stood there, watching Lori trying to comfort Beth. She comforted me earlier when she brought the food, being a mother helped her being good at this kind of things. She knew what things to say, what to do.

"I know how hard it is. I tried for days to reach my mum, and get her on the phone, I can only assume..."

"It's just so pointless," Beth interrupted Lori, she sounded so angry.

"You have Maggie, and your father," Lori told her. "Patricia and Jimmy and now you have Cecilia and you've gotta stay strong for them. I wish I could promise you it would be all right in the end. I wish I could promise you both that but I can't, but we can make now all right and we have to."