I Remember

Part 5: Phil's POV

I awoke with Dan sleeping next to me. I smiled and sat up, forgetting what had happened for a brief moment. Then I remembered. My heart sank and everything came flooding back. At least that was a nice moment of bliss. Better savor it.

I sat up and stroked Dan's cheek. I get up off the small bed and peek out my door to see my mother and the doctor talking with sullen faces.

They noticed and quickly stopped talking and stared at me. I cocked my head and my mom held up a finger to the doctor indicating she needed a minute with me. Alone.

She pulled me around the corner and she spoke in a hushed tone.

"Honey," she cleared her throat. "The doctors say you have to go home."

I was surprised it would even cross her mind that I would leave Dan's side for anything. "I'm not leaving Dan," I said firmly.

"But, sweetie you have a life! And you need to get back to it! You can come visit Dan every day, I promise." She forced a sad smile.

"But Dan was part of that life. It obviously won't be the same. I will never be the same. I won't be able to function in a life like my old one without Dan. I know you know that."

She pursed her lips and nodded. "I know. I know it will be difficult but you can still see him everyday! And who knows? He might wake up only a few days from now?"

That was quite a slim chance. But also the smallest sliver of hope. She was right. "You're right, mum." I hugged her in a big embrace that I really needed. I then began to cry. It felt nice to cry with my mum, again after so long.

"Would you like me to come home with you?

"Mum that's very nice of you but I think I want to be alone there for a little while."

"I understand, Philly. I'll help you get your things and hail a cab."

I nodded and in a blur I left the hospital and arrived at our apartment. It felt like I teleported. I've just been staring into space the whole time; just thinking. Just breathing. Is this what my life will be like until he wakes up? A blur? Will it feel like a dream that feels so long but in reality time is passing slow as a snail?

I entered our living room. It had a strange feeling. Dan's absence was too noticeable. It just wasn't the same. All our brightly colored possessions mounted on the walls and placed proudly on the mantle seemed... wrong. They all looked discolored and even offensive against my present emotions. 

I then walked into Dan's room. Why I did this, I don't know. It was just as he had left it: The bed made, even the fairy lights still left on. I sat on the side of the bed. On the side was a photo of Dan and I took from the after party of the Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire of us slow dancing. I picked it up and looked at the way our noses touched. The way he smiled. The way his fingers perfectly laced into mine. The way our hips were two inches from touching. The way I smiled at him. It was probably the highest point in my life.

I dropped the frame and covered my mouth with a cupped hand and began to sob. I hugged Dan's sheets and smelled them, trying to imagine when I would be able to hold him again, and breath in his wonderful scent. His favorite scent was the roasted marshmallow fall candle. He always smelled of mint. I sobbed into the sheets. I cried hot, salty tears and there was no sign of stopping. I cried until my eyes were dry. Until my throat hurt. I decided to sleep in here. I couldn't calm down, though. Every time I closed my eyes, I remembered again and again, vividly imagining life without Dan and sobbed harder.

Okay, I have to get back to reality, I thought.

Dan would want me to. And I have to tell our followers. No doubt about that. There's also no doubt that they haven't already heard and are freaking out. I should make a few tweets and then post some pics on Instagram of Dan sleeping as a way of letting them know that we are okay. Sort of. Not really. It seems very anti-climactic.