I Remember

Part 6: Dan's POV

I woke up from a seemingly very deep sleep. I must have been sleeping for hours. I feel refreshed and light. I inhale the cool air and exhale through my nose. But, something is different. I try and contemplate and comprehend everything that is going on and--  I can't. 

I don't remember anything. I feel something lingering at the back of my mind, but I just can't grasp it. It's as if I've fallen and missed it by a centimeter. And then it fell, too.

Suddenly, a firm but gentle sensation sets onto my lips. My eyes widened and I involuntarily swung my hand as hard as I could. What the actual hell just happened....?

"Who the hell are you?" I yell. "Where the fuck am I? WHO am I??!" I back up in my bed. This man looked utterly confused, just as I am. His pupils seemingly enlarge with rage. "How can you not remember? All the things we have done together? All we have been though! How could you forget?" I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. 

"What? Sir, I don't know who you are or what the hell is going on, but I'm sorry. But, can you please tell me who I am, who you are, and what the fuck is happening." He then looked like he was about to cry and he gently pushed me down into my bed and said that I needed to relax. I looked at him, confused. But I just woke up, and I'm fine. Well, in a physical sense. He looks at me with sad eyes and damp cheeks. Why is he crying? "You-- you were in a coma," he says as a small sound escaped his lips. I look at him and gave him my best "you've got to be fucking kidding me" and "what the fuck" look. I then pay attention to nothing for a bit and then realize what exactly my situation is. 

I lost my memory. What have I lost? I thought as a tight knot began to form in my stomach. I have lost everything.

A man in a white lab coat enters the room, while that other man I had just encountered following behind him. He does look very familiar. 

The doctor looks at me with a smile. And speaks to me as if I am a five year old. "Ah you're awake! You've been out for quite some time! Now, can you wiggle your toes for me?" I look at him, confused, but I reluctantly obey him. "Good. Now I'm just going to do a few tests and make sure you are all better!" He reaches into his cabinets and takes out various entities of medical supplies. I barely even payed attention I just did as he said and stared into space, trying to remember this man with eyes the colour of the ocean and hair the colour of a raven. Who was he to me? Was he the thing I was trying to grasp in the back of my mind that I fell away from?

The doctor's voice snaps me out of my daze. Apparently, he had finished his little "tests." He beams and says, "You are all good to go! I will have your friend sign you out," he winks at me at the word "friend." What the fuck was that for? 

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The boy with the dark black hair helps me up. He seems to force a smile and gives me some fresh clothes: black jeans and a black t-shirt with a leather jacket with a large amount of zippers. This seems appropriate. I nod my head at him and then he tells me he is going to go sign me out while I get dressed. He hesitates, as if not wanting to leave me alone, but lifts his feet and walks out the door.

I slip on the shirt and my jeans. As I put my jeans on, one of my toes goes through a hole in the jeans. I wonder where that came from. It doesn't look like it was manufactured like that. 

I then sit on the bed with my head in my hands. I am angry at myself for not remembering. My grief for my own memory punches me in the stomach and tears begin to form at my water line, threatening to spill over wetting my hands as they hide my face.

 A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts, and I quickly wipe the tears, but I know it looks like I have been crying. I look up and see the man with the raven hair and I feel that I can see his heart break when he looks at my obviously puffy, red eyes. He quickly hides his pain and comes over and helps me off the bed.

"It'll be okay," he said as he patted me on the back. It felt slightly awkward, but I didn't push it away, for it was oddly comforting. "I'll tell you everything." he says. "Oh, and I'm Phil by the way," he extends his hand and I take it. We shake hands like we just met. Well, it feels like that to me, but I see the sadness in his eyes, realizing how painful it must be to introduce yourself to someone you seemingly really care about after already doing so, probably years ago.

We get into a cab and we are silent the whole way, sitting on opposite sides of the cab. Phil was staring into space, occasionally glancing at me. I noticed he was looking and glanced back he quickly turned away. His eyes looked deep in thought; maybe even longing.

We soon arrived at about a five story building and Phil unlocked the door into a hallway. 

"Well. This is our flat! Why don't I give you a tour?"

"Sure. That sounds good," it felt weird, being given a tour of a place that is actually my own home that I have apparently lived in for years.

He leads me around the flat. I am introduced to the bathroom, the lounge, the kitchen, the room in which he calls the "gaming channel room." I guess I used to call it that too. What does he mean by a gaming channel?

I am then led into a brightly lit room with colorful possessions and a bed with a cool colored duvet. 

"This is my room," said Phil. He stared for a little while, as if remembering things the way they used to be. I, too, tried to remember. But nothing came.

He turned away and led me to the door adjacent to his. "And, this is your room. Just the way you left it," I looked around. There were fairy lights strung around the--my made black and white checkered duvet. I saw a piano that looked way older than this flat, the ivory keys penetrated with wear and dust. I approached it and sat on the bench. "You used to play piano. You are really good! Can you-- can you remember how to play?" he asked, his voice soft.

I lifted my fingers to the keys. I froze. I again lifted my fingers. And shrunk away. 

"I can't do this," I started to sob. I didn't even mind because for some reason I just felt comfortable around him. This is the worst thing in the world: not being able to remember who my friends are. Who I love. Who I am. My hands cover my face and I scream and sob with frustration and grief. I felt a pair of warm arms wrap themselves around my shoulders. I looked up at Phil and said, "What are you doing? I don't know you!" I storm out of the room and don't know where to go so I  just lie in the middle of the hall way.

Phil came out after me. And started to speak in a firm tone.

"Your name is Dan. And I am Phil. Your boyfriends. You and I are famous youtubers who everyone loves. I am AmazingPhil and you are Danisnotonfire. You play the piano, your favorite color is black. You love llamas and you have an amazing sense of humor. You are so sweet to your fans and your friends and are only nice to the people who deserve it." His voice starts to shake, as I do. I cry silently. "We wrote a book together. We have a radio show. We have known each other since you were 18 and now you are 24. You used to be so sad and have existential crises all the time and lie down just as you are now in this very hallway. And I was there for you. I have always been there for you. We got into a car accident right after a date on the way home to try out the new scented candles you got me. You were in a coma for almost six months. We came out as a couple seven months ago, to the world. We have been together long before that."

I rolled over and sat up. I stared at him. He stared back at me. "Phil, it's not that I don't believe you," I choked back sobs. "But I just can't take this all in right now." He starts to cry and I go into my room and close the door behind me. I crawl into bed and look at my side table. There is a photo of Phil and I, dancing in a dimly lit dance floor. His hands on my hips. A wide smile on both our faces. Maybe I do love Phil. Maybe everything he said is true. 

I roll over to see a laptop on the other pillow. I pick it up. It has 76%. Fair enough. I go on to youtube and type in "Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil." There are over a over a million results.

I click one after another. I laugh sometimes. Is this really me? I think. I watch and watch until my brain starts to get fuzzy and I shut the laptop. I fall asleep.