Cousin Love (A Vampire Diaries fanfiction)

Chapter One

Chapter One

Everyone says it’s wrong to be in love with a family member, but come on! It’s not my sibling, it’s my cousin for Pete’s sakes!

That’s right, I am in love with Jeremy Sillypants Gilbert, my FIRST COUSIN! THAT’S RIGHT! TAKE THAT, OBAMA!

I think he might still be in love with all his dead ex-girlfriends, but that doesn’t matter to me as long as we’re still able to have steamy make out sessions in the janitor’s closet of the local Taco Johns.

In fact, that’s where I’m headed right now. I walked into Taco Johns and sat down behind the counter to wait for my lover. The Manager Herbert gave me a weird look but let it be, because who else is going to supply him with his hard core drugs? Suddenly I saw Jeremy walk in, all slo-mo and stuff. I couldn’t help but notice his sexy soul patch was coming in nicely. As he came closer, I became aware he was wearing the antique necklace I stole from an ancient Indian burial site and gave to him. It was totes romantic.

He sat down next to me and wiggled his penciled-in eyebrows at me.  “Hey there pretty lady.  Wanna have a piece of Jeremy pie?  You know you want it.”

“Wow, nothing gets by you,” I said, smiling seductively at him.  I batted my nonexistent eyelashes at him.  Ever since I went with Stefan and his lover Jacob Black to a bonfire and got a little too close to the fireworks, my beauty has slightly faded.

“Yeah, I know Elena,” Jeremy said.  “I’m like psychic and stuff.  Merrrow.”

I leaned over the table and tickled Jeremy’s chin like he was a pretty kitty-cat.  Then I grabbed his humongous nose and declared, “I got your nose!  I’m gonna eat it!”

I held his invisible nose over my mouth, about to devour it like it was a gummy worm, when someone snatched it out of my hand and chucked it back at Jeremy.

“Swiper no swiping,” I shouted.

I looked up to see the second most beautiful thing on earth – right behind Jeremy, of course.  No one can beat that hunk of meat.

“Well, well, well.” Damon Hopscotch Salvatore lazily tucked a tulip behind his ear. “If it isn’t Jermy and his incestual freak of a cousin.”

“It is.” Jeremy said, confused. “It is Jermy and his incestual freak of a cousin.”

“Well, anywhoo…..” I whistled nonchalantly. “Who wants some potato oles?”

“I do!” Stefan fell from the ceiling and landed on the table. Jacob Black from Twilight fell right after him, surprisingly, not wearing a shirt.

“Hey!” Herbert the manager ran up to the table. “No shoes, no shirts, no service!”

Stefan growled at him. “My man lover is too muscled to not show the world his naked beauty!!!”

Suddenly, the Italian mafia burst through the windows. “Oh crap!” Damon screamed. “They’ve finally found me!”

The leader of the gang pulled out a pistol and pointed it at Jeremy’s head. He looked at Damon and said, “If you want this ugly boy here to see another day, you will bring us baby Katherine. That way she will never grow old and terrorize Italy.”

Oh, so now Damon can time travel? What is this? Nevertheless, I didn’t want Jeremy to die.

“You think I care if he dies?” Damon snorted. “Well there’s only two things I care about in this world. They are pottery and my Russian nesting dolls collection.”

“Damon, no!” I cried. “You can’t let Jeremy die! He’s my lover!”

Damon rolled his eyes but agreed. “Fine, you bunch of babies.” He pulled out his time travelling watch, and everyone grabbed onto him, except for Jeremy and the Italian mafia. “To the past!” He cried, and with that, they were off on an adventure of epic proportions.