Cousin Love (A Vampire Diaries fanfiction)

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Following after the duck was a frog.  Jeremiah the frog.

"Jeremiah!" Damon shouted.  "Long time no see!"

The frog croaked at Damon and hopped onto his hand.  Damon kissed the frog on the lips and it transformed into Belly-dancer.

"Belly-dancer, what were you doing pretending to be Jeremiah the frog?!" demanded Damon.  "How could you trick me into kissing you like that?  My lips are gonna shrivel off my face now."

Belly-dancer shrugged and picked at her belly-button.  She was pretty disgusting.

"Guys," I said, "we have more important things to deal with right now!  For instance, Jeremy!"

I sank to my knees and buried my face in Jeremy's shirt.  "Jeremy!" I yelled.  "Don't leave me!  I love you!  I can't go back to Stefan or Damon!  One of them is gay, and the other is attracted to belly-dancing frogs!  Please, don't leave me with them!"

As if on cue, Taco John's door burst open, and in strode Bonnie.  She wore a fairy princess costume, along with a sparkly wand.

"Move outta my way, incester," she snapped.  When I didn't move an inch, she swiped her wand at me and I went soaring backwards into a booth.  I landed on the table, and two nerdy guys looked at me like I was the best meal they had ever laid eyes on.  I yelped and tried to spring away, but they had already grabbed ahold of my arms.  I was dinner.  Taco John's dinner.

Bonnie leaned over Jeremy and petted his beautiful cheek.  I wanted to punch her, but those nerds were still holding me down.  Bonnie waved her wand over Jeremy's lifeless body, and suddenly glittery smoke covered him.  Then Bonnie turned on her heel and stormed away, but not before shooting me an evil glare.

An explosion erupted over Jeremy, and I screamed.  "No, Jeremy, no!  How could that evil Bonnie do this to my baby?!  I'm gonna kill her, I swear!"

But then the most amazing thing ever happened.  No, Damon didn't marry his thumb.  Jeremy stood up and looked around the room.

He was alive!

We are so going to Las Vegas and getting married.  The real Jeremiah the frog can be our priest.

"Jeremy!" I gasped.  "You're alive!  Dude, come give me some Jer-Jer love!"

Jeremy started to walk towards me, but he stopped because of my excessive screaming.  No, those nerds weren't chowing down on me.  It was Jer-bear.  He was walking . . . like a zombie!  Or Frankenstein, whatever.

"Stay away from me!" I shrieked.

I wrapped my arms around one of the nerd's neck and clung on, desperately trying to stay away from the evil thing possessing Jeremy's body.

"Elena-boo, it's me, Jer-Jer," he growled.

"No, it's not!" I protested.

The so-called Jeremy nodded.  "It is me."

"Oh yeah?" I asked.  "Well, then, where did we first kiss?"

Damon slapped his forehead.  "Gross!  Spare me the gory details, Elena.  I don't want to know where you committed your first act of incest."

I snapped my fingers at Damon to silence him.  Then I looked back at Jeremy, waiting for his answer.

Jeremy scratched the back of his neck.  "Uh, um . . . in the girl's bathroom at Taco Johns?"

He said it more like a question, but I knew Jeremy has always had a terrible memory.  Sometimes he even forgets who I am.  But that's okay, 'cause we're madly in love.  All lovers do that at some point.

"Correct!" I said, clapping proudly.

Grinning, Jeremy walked zombie-style over to me and ripped me away from the nerd, who was smiling creepily at me.

"Mine!" Jeremy said to the nerds.  "All mine.  Nom nom."

"Okay, Jer, calm down," I warned.  "I'm not a midnight snack."

"Nom nom," Jeremy repeated, but he patted my head and I stopped stressing about his odd behavior.

Edward and Jacob started to point at something on the ground.  "Look!  Look!  A note!" they said at the same time.

"Wow, they really are meant to be together," Belly-dancer said.  "No wonder they both left me!  They wanted to be with each other!  Wow, it all makes sense now."

Belly-dancer then started to do a dance move with her belly.  It creeped me out, but it sure turned Damon on, because drool started to pour out of his mouth like he was a dog with rabies.

"Keep doing that, Belly-dancer," Damon urged.  Damon snatched the note away from Edward and Jacob and read it out loud.  "'A side effect of my amazing magical skills is zombie-walking.  Love, Bonnie.'"  Damon looked up at Jeremy and me.  "Well, Jer, you're screwed.  Have fun at your wedding in Las Vegas!  And sorry, Elena, but no, I won't take you back.  I have Belly-dancer for that now!"

"It's Bella," she snapped, stopping her creepy dance moves.

"Don't stop dancing!" Damon roared.  "Never stop!"

Stefan walked up to me, clasping my hand in his.  "I'll still take you back, Elena.  All you have to do is ask."

I smiled weakly at Stefan, slowly pulling my hand away from his.  "Stefan, you're gay."

"I could change for you!" Stefan wailed.

I shook my head and grabbed Jeremy's hand.  "Sorry, boys, but Jeremy and I are together for life.  I don't care if he walks like a zombie from now on.  We are meant to be, and nothing - including his creepy walking - can take that from us."

Jacob broke down in tears.  Edward patted his back.  "What's wrong, Jakey-poo?" asked Edward.

"It's just so romantic!" Jacob wailed.  "How come we don't have what they have?"

Edward slapped Jacob.  "How dare you!  That's it, we're through!"

Edward stormed out of Taco Johns.  Jacob glanced up at us and raced to Stefan's side.  "I love you, Stefan.  Please take me back!"

Stefan grinned at Jacob.  "I knew you'd come back to me, Jacob!  Let's go get married in Las Vegas with Elena and Jer!  It'll be perfect!"  The two of them held hands and tickled each other's chins.

It all seemed happy like rainbows and stuff, but that was not the case, because two giant dinosaurs stomped on the ceiling of Taco Johns.  They roared and flailed their tiny little arms.

"Oh crap," Damon muttered.  "My watch didn't work right again."

And at that exact moment, Titanic crashed into Taco Johns.  For once, the ship wasn't going to sink because of an iceberg.  More like a stinky taco fast-food restaurant.

Author's Note: I bit a man's toe today.  It was jelly filled.

It.  Was.  Delicious.  

Rawr.

--> pic on side is Eddie and Jakerz fighting over their relationship which is not as romantic as Eleaner and Jero's.  Just look at Eddie's face.  Perfection.  My lamp wife always looks at me like that.  I'm glad I'm not the only one.  Jakerz and I are in the same boat.  We can go to the same support group for our failed relationships on Tuesdays together. We can car pool and save the Taco-John's filled world!