The 'Short' Story Of The Guy Who Doesn't Exist

Reason #2: Behavior and Shyness

I'm shy.
I don't know how shy I am, but I know I'm shy. People remind me of it all the time.

I can just imagine me, sitting in a cold, metal chair at some youth center, attending a program called "Shy Guys Anonymous". Then I continue to picture everybody just staring at one spot in the room without saying a word, some on their phone, some holding their arms folded and trying not to make eye contact with anyone else. I'd feel bad for the counselor too, because they would have their work cut out for them. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety.
*shivers*

Anyways, it seems I'm shy to people that are either really cool or who can be really cruel, as well as pretty girls.

Dealing with people who seem cool, I'm afraid of giving a bad impression of myself. I'm not afraid of being myself, but it's myself that I'm afraid people will eventually begin to dislike. That's why I never get too comfortable with people at first.
However, I have many friends who are on my "super-cool" list. They're the ones who are popular at school, are into the latest fashion, have cool gadgets, and really don't care about other people's details. They're the friends you wish you could be. But I'm more comfortable in my position. I get enough recognition from them as it is, since they always are trying put me in the spotlight.
If I really think about it, I hang out with them a lot. I guess I'm not as shy as I thought...
*looks up, deep in daydream*
Yeah... Those friends are great.
*smiles shyly*

Now dealing with cruel people, I think anybody who faces them have one of three feelings: timidness, ignorance, confidence (more like bravery).
To be honest, I actually am more ignorant to them then timid, because the timid people are so afraid of them, they basically will do whatever the mean guys ask. I think its because the shy ones either want to prove themselves to them, or just want to avoid getting hurt.
"It's-a stupid, no? " *phony French accent*

I actually try to be as nice as possible when it comes to them, but only when I have to. Most of the time, I just ignore anything they do.
I literally try not to exist to them so they'll give up trying to get on my nerves. This is the only time I really attempt to be non-existent. It works too. Maybe not forever, but at least you show you won't be bullied so easily.
When dealing with physical bullying though, I consider myself quite a threat. It takes a lot to make me lose my temper, but trust me, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" (*Hulk voice*).
I actually took karate lessons for a while, so I'm definitely not wimpy. I'm also tall, as I've mentioned (*rolls eyes*), and kinda heavy. I'm not overweight, but try telling that to those buffed up jerks (*rolls eyes again*).

I've never really been in a fight though. The only time I was the one throwing punches blindly at another guy was in first-grade. It was my first time in public school, maybe in the middle of October, and we just went out for recess.
At the time, Power Rangers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were all the rage, so lots of the guys in my class loved to play-fight with each other.
Me, being the eager one that I am, joined in too. I was paired up with Denver, a guy I had grown to like as my new friend. What happened next was just first-grade dumbness. I chose to be some amazing kung-fu master and he chose to be somewhat equivalent to that.
We started our little fight, mostly laughing as we did, until all the sudden I punched him in a thrilling, combo attack that would make any sensei proud. He fell to the ground in anguish, tearing up and holding his neck tightly.
It turns out we were supposed to be pretend-fighting, without touching each other. But since I was the new kid, I assumed that the kids here played to the extreme, and so should I.
Long story short, everything ended ok. I was sent to the corner, Denver was sent to his mother, and I'm the reason why there's a written rule on the playground about "play-fighting".
At least me and Denver stayed friends, even though he always tried to be on my good side after that, even after all my apologies.

Lastly, there's girls.
When it comes to girls, usually I am really shy. It doesn't matter what they look like or what kind of personality they have, I always have anxiety to go and talk to them. I think I'm afraid of being ignored or being ridiculed.
Once a girl and I start becoming friends, I'm not shy anymore. It's like I found somebody that actually wants to know me.
Pretty girls, however, are harder to interact with. I get nervous and start to blush when they talk to me (and usually they're the ones who start the conversation). I've never blurted something real awkward out to a girl, but I've definitely had a few "epic fails" in front of them.

Once, a girl tagged me, trying to get me out of my comfort zone. I never back down to a harmless challenge, so I tagged her back. We'd go back and forth tagging each other, just like any immature middle-schoolers would do.
Well, eventually she outsmarted me and I ended up twirling backwards in a failing attempt to get her back. I ended up on the rocky, dusty ground with everyone staring and trying not to laugh. Oh, and this was my first day of middle-school too. Once again, total humiliation.

When it comes to crushes, I am the worst. I just seem to imagine all these stupid fantasies with my crush, all at the same time avoiding contact from them in real life so they won't think I'm strange or something.  Eventually they'll catch me occasionally glancing in their direction, glancing back towards me. I then proceed to duck my head down low into my folded arms at my desk and just breathe, pretending nothing happened. Crisis averted.
It seems the truth always gets out though, since I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets. Every year, there's this cycle that involves me, my crush, and a friend or two. I'll get a new crush (or still have feelings for an old one), I'll spend months just thinking about her, then my friends will eventually ask the famous "Who are you interested in" question. I dread that part. Usually I trust them to know, or they'll just egg me on until I'll tell them. But either way, somebody  finds out.

I guess looking back on this chapter, I'd be lying if I said these people don't think I exist. I'm sure that I matter in some small part of their life.
But maybe its me who doesn't want to always exist in front of them all the time. Maybe I'm allergic to the spotlight.
I'm working on mustering up the courage to finally make new friends, be more outgoing, maybe even find a girlfriend after a while. But with my speed and luck, who knows...
It's like a New Year's resolution that never gets fulfilled, I'm sure you can relate..
*sighs, then smiles*