Like Before (Niall Horan)

Chapter Twenty-Four: Doomed From The Start

It hurt to know that Niall had finally given up, but thats what I had wanted in the first place, wasn't it? This was what I wanted. I wanted to be able to get over him and he was giving me that time. It wasn't the way I had wanted things to happen, but lately that was the story of my life.

I focused all my attention on school, work, and my extra curricular activities. Sarah was getting more and more worried about me and I started avoiding Steph as much as I could, even at school now, because she kept telling me to just get back with Niall. I couldn't do that. No matter how much I had wanted to I couldn't. 

I had tortured myself into watching his live interviews and he seemed happy. Like he was moving on and I wasn't going to drag him back into my drama. He deserved to be happy. Especially if it was without me. I never should have thought we could work.

We were doomed from the start. 

We never would have worked for a ton of reasons, the first being, I don't go with famous boy bands. Its not a good idea.

There were only one day before they would get here and I had to pretend to be fine with everything that was happening. It was my idea. I had to be happy and ready to have fun. I had to be happy to be eighteen.

Sarah brought me shopping for decorations for my birthday. Steph and Tia came with us and they mostly picked things out. I tried as best as I could to be excited but it was hard. Steph was texting Harry the whole time and they were so happy and that reminded me of Niall and I. A lot of things reminded me of him. 

They all haunted me at night. Every last reminder. Like our first kiss. Our perfect first kiss. His hand on my cheek, my waist. 

The night he fell asleep on my chest.

Him helping me cook and us making a mess because he can't.

Helping me bowl. 

All the sweet kisses he gave me.

His sparkling blue eyes.

His smile.

Everything about him just screams out to me and I can't get him out of my head. There was no way this was good for me. But he was happy. This is how things had to be. I had to push him away. He was getting too close anyway. He was getting to know the real me. 

And yet he stayed. He was still here. He still loved me. And theres no way he could turn that off. In his interviews he seemed happy but he seemed happy in all those pictures with his fans after they were hurting him. 

He still loved me.

Why was I trying to push him away? This wasn't what was best for us. This wasn't even close to what was best for us.

But it was too late. I had pushed him out of my life and that was my choice. It was my choice to tell him to back off. It was my choice to make him stop talking to me.

It was my choice and I had to live with the consequences.

I just, I can't understand why you don't let anyone in, and one day you'll stop understanding too.

He was right. I don't understand. Especially not why I did it to him. He didn't deserve that. I love him and he loved me.

Maybe I could fix this. Maybe he would take me back. I've been horrible but maybe we could make this work. Maybe things didn't have to be this way anymore. Maybe I could be happy.

I wasn't normal still but at least I had a family. I deserved this. I wasn't worthless and his fans couldn't tell me I was. It wasn't up to them who Niall fell in love with. And Niall fell for me.