Keeping Up With Satan (parody) - Dedicated to senpai

~Chapter 1~

"WAKE UP BITCH!"
I whimper as I shut my alarm clock. Wait- I don't have an alarm clock!?
"Did you just-MOM KATIE SLAPPED ME!", someone yells beside me.
I hear my mom sighing in the other room.
Wait-mom's dead! She was killed!
I placed one hand on the ground, feeling the grass on my fingers. And we're outside!?
And my name's not even Katie!
"Oh sorry, I just wanted to introduce myself the rudest way possible so you could fall in love with me.", the person tells me.
What a bastard! I'm never going to fall in love with-wait. Is that Harry Styles?!
"Are you Harry Styles?", I ask with a smile.
Oh shit I forgot to open my eyes.
"What? What is wrong with you?!", the boy asks.
I can see now, there's a guy there. Very tall. Staring at me. Standing up. With the queen of England.
"ELIZABETH GO AWAY, I'M TRYING TO GET THIS GIRL!', the man shouts.
The queen mumbles something very British even if I didn't hear anything she said, then goes away on a white horse, a cup of tea in her hands.
"She's my grandma, she ships me with random anime guys, don't mind her."
I gasp.
"So you're like George?"
"WHAT? NO! I'm a prince that no-one has ever heard of, duh!", the guy says.
I nod. It totally make sense.
After a moment of silence, he asks:
"So what's your name, princess?"
I noticed the queen of England hiding behind a tree, watching us and shooting me glares.
"Lara, but call me Beth 'cause why the fuck not. And also don't call me Princess, that's my dog's name."
Wait. I don't have a dog.
"Oh, what breed is it?"
What is a dog?
"Gremlin, pure-blood."
He gasps.
"Oh! I always wished to have one! What is it's gender?"
What is a gender?
"Rainbow. And a rare one."
He gasps.
"YOU'RE SO LUCKY! Hey, you know what?"
I chuckle, and ask:
"What?"
He replies:
"Let's skip all the 40 chapters and let's get married."
I reply:
"Sure, sounds nice. Where at?"
He replies:
"Here at."
I reply:
"Oh."
He replies:
"Ah!"
I reply:
"Eh?"
Then a chorus appears out of nowhere. I gasped, and my fiancée tells me:
"Don't mind that, my grandma's satanic incantation worked."
I rise my thumbs in the air and bump into a cubic priest.
"The fuck are we doing in Minecraft??"
My fiancée laughs and says:
"Sorry about that."
Then the priest says;
"Will you, Lara Croft tak-"
"It's Beth."
"Will you, Beth, take this man and throw him in a volcano?"
I nod.
"Will you, Slenderma-"
I gasp.
"WAIT YOU'RE SLENDERMAN??"
Then I notice he had no face.
He gasps, and I gasp, and he gasps, and I gasped because I have no idea how he can gasp without a mouth.
Then he admits:
"Damnit, I was so close! I just wanted to marry someone to get into their panties, it's been so long you know.. In the forrest... There's just deers... It's not my type of thing..."
I nod dramatically, then asked:
"Wait, so you're telling me Slenderman's grandma is the queen of England and he really likes dogs?"
He nods. It totally make sense.
****
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER?
WILL THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND/SATAN FINALLY BE ABLE TO WATCH HENTAI?
WILL BETH STOP BEING SO FUCKING DUMB?
WILL SLENDERMAN GET IN BETH'S PANTIES?
WILL THE CUBIC PRIEST ASK VOLDEMORT OUT?
THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL
KNOW, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF "KEEPING UP WITH SATAN".