Keeping Up With Satan (parody) - Dedicated to senpai

^Chapter 2^

WARNING; I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF SELF-HARM, BUT THE IMAGE SOME HORNY TEENAGERS PICTURE IT AS IN THEIR LOVELY BOOKS
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I'm feeling sad. I saw Slenderman kiss another girl, even if technically he can't kiss 'cause he doesn't have lips, but his expressionless face was very close to another girl's face.
I decide to cut my arms because pain and blood makes me feel happy.
So I take a razor blade ("since when do we have razors? we like having fur") and place it in a way that the blood could spill everywhere. As I see the red liquid fall down from my arm I happily sang, pure joy overtaking my mind.
"I love bloood so much!", I yell.
Makes me think, dad decided to send me into an asylum, I have no idea why. I'm totally sane. Wait, wasn't dad dead? Why are you asking me, I don't know. He got killed by a gang of furries right? I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW!
Sorry, the drugs kicked in a little here. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm totally sane!
Who wouldn't fall in love for Slenderman and enjoy seeing blood very much? That's right, no one!
Then Slenderman appears out of nowhere. Talking about the devil.
"You cheated on me!", I yell. "You kissed another girl!"
He snorts and says:
"No, I was sucking her blood, duh."
I gasp.
"You're a vampire?"
He glares at me disbelievingly (well I think he does, he doesn't have eyes right?) and ask:
"Are you really that dumb?"
"What do you mean?", I ask, confused.
He disappears.
Dang it, I'm alone again.
Oh right, I'm bleeding.
I wait until the blood stop flowing through my fresh wound, then go to bed without cleaning my arms, so that I can get sick. I like being sick. So I can eat soup. I like soup. Chicken soup espescially. Hmmmm. Soup. With noodles, it's even better. And peppers. Grandma used to make some really good soup. Wait, I don't have a grandma. I'm Jesus for crying out loud. Soup should be my second name. Or I could name my child 'soup'. I want soup now. I love soup. Did I ever said that I liked soup? Well I do. Soup. Soup is so good like it's really good just wow. SOOUUP!!
Wait wasn't I supposed to sleep?
I dream about soup.
-_~*^\?SLEEP TIMEY TIME PASSING THAT BORING TIME THAT I JUST DON'T WANT TO WRITE 'CAUSE I'M A LAZY ARSE TIME TIMEH TIMY VERY MUCH TIME-ISH)(:&/'shs
"RISE AND SHINE MOTHERFUCKER IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY!", yells Satan/the queen in my hears. "YOU WANT SOME TEA SUNSHINE? FISH N' CHIPS? TACOS?"
I groan, then reply;
"Make me some soup peasant."
But Elizabeth got away, probably writing phanfictions by now. Oh well. Won't have soup today with my cocaine.
WAIT WHAT
***
i care about u (punk obama x pastel eward cullen) -A fanfic of @immabesatanthequeenmemetrash

-1-
"i luv ur sparkly sunshine so much eddy"
"same i like my gay too", mumbled the blue-haired vampire
edward was wearing a flower crown
"daddy" cried obama
"same imma be fab as hell now lets fuck loll"
"k blowjob, butt smex or we get a hamster?" asked obama
"u be top this time k?"
"noice"
obama pushed edward much hard on the floor and that made edward moan lmao then obama untied edwards jeans while edward just didn't give fucks so he destroyed obamas very white sleeveles shirt
obama could see edwards fat belly and a boner appeared in his panties
"i love u obi"
"call me daddy or obiwan lolzor"
"fuck u make me so hard"
"same lololol"
then edward started criyng
"i wanna kill myself srsly"
"nO #OBAMACAREs"
and they got married and that bitch bella got killed by a train by that asdf movie kid lmao and they adopted babies they called 'dan' and 'fil' the end
there will be a second book promise love u my potato crisps lmao xx