So You Used to Be Human - Book 3 (Original Version)

A Christmas Interlude (part 3)

On the fifth (?) day of Christmas...

It was snowing and that in my experience had never been of any help, especially since in this particular hallucination or dream or whatever the hell you want to call it, I happened to be in my boxers, a stained Metallica Master of Puppets t-shirt and a ratty bathrobe that should have been retired years ago. For some reason "Don't Panic" was printed all across my boxers but looking at them only made me panic more.

"What happened to my pants?" I asked of Beatrice who was now dressed in all black leather and wore a wet from all of the blood sash across both of her eyes. "Holy shit, what happened to your eyes?"

"I cut them out lover. The better to see you with!"

I waved a hand in front of her eyes and she hissed at me.

"That doesn't make any sense! You don't have any eyeballs!"

"Don't blame me. This is your fucked up dream. Even in the heights of my psychosis, I wouldn't be stupid enough to lose both eyes. I might switch according to the day or the mood, but never both."

I looked around at the bar where all of my friends stared back at me over their drinks and whispered evil words to each other as they smirked in my general direction. Even Louise was there listening raptly to some wonderful tale from my evil bitch of a sister, a story which involved lots of pointing. Pointing at me in particular.

I looked down at my boxers again, wondering if I should hide the half-chub that had formed on it's own as if in some kind of fucked up self-defense or a half-hearted attempt to embarrass me. It occurred to me then that all of the times I'd heard stories of people having dreams where they were naked on stage, I'd never heard a single one where whoever was telling the dream actually admitted to having a raging erection at the time. In my own experience, my dong took every opportunity to embarrass me, to the point where I'd considering writing a song about the ever popular inappropriate erection. Going commando while wearing sweat pants? Time for an inappropriate erection especially if you happen to be in an elevator that you assume is going to be empty and let your mind wander just a little bit to the fact that the cloth rubbing the head of your dong actually felt kinda good... surprise stop on the second floor and the elevator is suddenly filled with giggling gradeschool girls! Have to ride bitch on the back of your mom's motorcycle because she insists on giving you a ride a mile down to the store instead of letting you walk, no matter how much you insist? Inappropriate boner time! Giving your hot friend a hug at her grandmother's funeral and not really knowing what to say except the usual "sorry for your loss" which always feels so inadequate and is nowhere near to the witty thing you want to say to make her smile but would probably just make you look like a complete inconsiderate jackass? Definitely inappropriate boner time. Especially if you have to hug her mom next.

Half-dressed in a fucked up dream where all of your friends have gathered to possibly wish you merry christmas or to take turns killing you?

"Say hello to my inappropriate boner!"

Beatrice leaned in close to whisper. "You know you just said that out loud, right?"

I glowered and readied myself hoping that everyone would notice just how much of a fuck I was currently not prepared to give. "Must be Tuesday."

Then I strode into the bar, wrapping the tattered bathrobe around myself, paying close attention to the groinal area where my boner was making a desperate play for attention; I tried to ignore the assault of snow but it was high on my list of things I hated so it was being more bothersome than usual.

Jaime and Sammy were closest to me and turned away as I drew near, closing ranks to nod with concern at Jimmy and the bloody stump at his shoulder; he held his arm in the one remaining hand and vaguely waved it around.