So You Used to Be Human - Book 3 (Original Version)

Chapter 9: Pandora's Fucked-Up Box

When Louise finally came home at three o'clock in the morning, she found me and Jaime sprawled out on her couch, completely passed out and leaning on each other.  She took a picture of us then, Jaime leaning contentedly on my shoulder looking very much like one of those impossible scenes from those romantic comedies.  You know the movies I'm talking about: the ones where nobody seems to have sex naked and the girl is always wearing a bra in bed or in some cases a bra and a t-shirt.  Jaime wasn't wearing a bra, but the white t-shirt, black girl-boxers (brand new) and white socks put her directly in Rom-Com territory.  I had managed to change at some point, after all it had been a long and interesting day, so I was in a t-shirt and boxer-briefs.  To all intents and purposes, anyone looking at us (or the picture of us on Facebook) would have been right to assume that we'd been having sex at some point.  We just looked so comfortable together that it was quite possibly the only thing we could have gotten up to.

Here's the thing: if your friends aren't entwined in each others arms and completely naked, or at least naked from the waist down, and there isn't the funky smell of sex hanging about the room, then in all likelihood, no sex has actually been had.

This was the case with me and Jaime.  We got very comfortable with each other very quickly.  It was almost like we'd known each other our whole lives and we fit together so well, especially once we got past our mutual embarrassment.

So when Louise started to yell at us, it was a bit of a shock.

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX ON MY GODDAMN COUCH!"

Imagine waking up to that being yelled in your ear.

Louise got right into my ear and just let me have it.

I was on my feet in seconds,  dancing away from the source of my pain, still asleep and for some reason full of guilt that I had no idea where it was coming from.

"I didn't pee on your bed!" I managed to stammer out and then stopped myself.  "Wait, what?"

Louise could only howl with laughter as I stood there in the middle of the room, a befuddled Jaime blinking from the couch at me and Louise.  She stretched languidly then, giving me a full idea of exactly what languid actually meant, and why someone had come up with that word in the first place.  There was a slight twitching in my pants at the sight of her and I suddenly found myself having to concentrate very, very carefully and not look at Jaime at all.

"Oh hi Louise," Jaime said as she stifled a yawn. "What time is it?"

Louise just shook her head.  "I can't believe you two.  Did you even go to work? Jaime?"

"They'd already called in Calvin to cover my shift, so there was no point."

My brain was still waking up but I was putting two and three together and the math was all fucked.

"We didn't have sex," I protested and Louise snorted in disbelief.  Jaime just slid down onto the couch and stretched out some more, still being as languid and alluring as possible.  I was having difficulty concentrating and goddamn it, why was my heart beating so quickly.

"Tell her Jaime!"

"Tell her what?"

"That we didn't have sex!"

Jaime raised her head from sleep and peered at Louise.  "Nope. No sex. No sex was had.  If there was any sex going on then nobody told me about it and he's about to be in so much trouble."

Louise looked from me to Jaime and back again.

"I really can't believe you two.  What the hell have you been up to all day?"