You're the Only Hope For Me

Chapter Seventeen

I rubbed my eyes and found my fingers blackened by makeup. I went to sit up and fix myself up in the bathroom when Gerard wrapped his arms around my chest, keeping me locked up next to him.

"I look horrendous Gee, I just want to go freshen up," I argued.

"I don't trust you," he said, almost sounding afraid.

"Why?" I asked, "You can come in with me if you think I'm going to pass out on you."

He shook his head, "No, it's not that. I was in your room and I...noticed things about you that I find all too familiar. I don't want you to even think about the things I did alone. I'm never letting you out of my sight. Frank would kill me."

"Gerard..." I prodded.

"Rose, know how he loves you. He never shuts up about you. If and when he gets healthy again to find that no one was helping you, he'd skin me, whether it was my fault or not," he poured out like a carton.

I swallowed hard, "I don't need help."

"Yes you do," his voice faltered. I turned my head and found tears in his eyes.

"Gerard?" I asked, my heart beating out of my chest. If he was crying..it was bad. I felt tears prick my eyes, but I felt selfish and held them back.

He let me go and pulled his feet over the edge of the couch. His palms pressed into his eyes and his back arched. I scooted up next to him and held him tightly.

"Hey..." my voice was hoarse, "It's okay..." I tried comforting him.

"I just..I've never been through anything like this and I see you..so strong and beautiful. It's not fair. I want to take all of what you're feeling and put it inside me," he said as he was attempting to pull himself together.

"Did you forget who we're talking about here? Frank's your best friend. You are going through what I'm going through Gee," I rubbed his back.

I waited a minute, looking at the ground, "And I'm not strong. Not even close. Look at how I reacted just a little while ago. That's not strong."

He pulled in a breath before turning to me with his red, tired eyes, "But you could've done so much worse. You came to him because you knew something was wrong and you got him help. He could've died tonight and we both know it. You saved him Rose. Passing out was one of the least bad things you could've done."

"What else do you think I would've done?" I turned my body to him, genuinely wanting to know.

He choked a sob and held his head in his hands, "Frank's my best friend, but I'm not like you. You two have something really special and there's no one I would rather him be together with."

"Gerard..." I pushed him to answer my question. He was too good at changing the subject.

He got up and walked into the kitchen. I followed him around the corner. He opened up his pantry. It was filled with any drink you would think of. Cardboard boxes filled with anything that could make a drunk happy.

He hung his head low and his hands closed the doors to the pantry. I heard as his head hit the doors, "I think..." he swallowed hard, "I think you're a little bit like me."

"Gerard, who's drinks are those? What's going on?" I grew more nervous by the minute.

"They're mine," he shouted. It rang through the house. He slammed his hand on the door and went into another room, bringing out boxes of broken, empty bottles and glasses.

I backed into the wall and felt my head pound again.

He realized how scared I was and turned back to the room he got the bottles from. Just before he walked back in, he froze and put the box down. He picked up a bottle, holding it in his hands, closely examining it before chucking it at the opposite wall.

He repeated this three times, growing faster as he went. I came to his side, holding his arm. He pressed the bottle into his face and started crying again, "I'm not okay Rose. I'm an addict."

All I could say was, "I know." I felt bad about it..but it's true. No one's seen this side of Gerard. Someone needs to, someone who can help him.

He lowered himself slowly to the floor, helplessly drowning himself in tears. I sat down with him, hugging him tightly. I helped him up and lead him into his room.

After I got him to settle a little, I went back and picked up all of the little pieces of glass broken on the floor. It took me a good few minutes on each bottle, he broke them pretty good. I cleaned up the leftover drink from the floor and closed it shut.

My fingers were bleeding a little from the glass. I washed them in the sink and hoped it wouldn't be too noticeable. I walked back into Gerard's bedroom. He was just as I left him, laid on his bed. I climbed in with him and looked him in the eyes.

After a minute, he spoke up weakly, "Rose?"

I felt something down inside me that gave me a push. I sat up quickly and Gerard did too. He pulled my head close to him, I leaned into his lips and kissed him.

It took a while for me to realize what just happened. I backed away, breathing quickly.

"Oh my god Rose..I'm sorry," he said and ran his hands through his hair.

I closed my eyes, "Gee..we both need help. That's not a secret anymore. We're helping each other."

He nodded, "That wasn't...for love."

I agreed, "Right. It was for...comfort."

He looked away at my hands, they were starting to bleed again. Gerard carefully took my wrist and eyed my hand closely. He wiped them off with a towel from his bathroom and kissed the cuts sweetly. "For comfort," he repeated.

I smiled a bit and relaxed. He cuddled up close to me and we both ended up falling asleep.