Cold Heart - Book One

Chapter Five

He had been thinking. It wasn't like he had much else to do in his cell, though. Maybe the girl was right. Maybe he could be truly light. But even he didn't know if he could redeem himself after everything he'd done. He'd killed all the Jedi he'd been training with, when he was under Luke's supervision. He'd demolished villages, destroyed planets, ripped families apart and killed so many innocent lives. How could anyone be good after that. Of course, he felt guilty, but he had learned to hide it. He learned how to hide many of his feelings. Except anger. First Order force wielders were drilled to act upon anger. Power, strength and passion was what fueled his entire cause. Giving into the light would mean that his entire life before it was all for nothing.

But carrying out his grandfather's plan didn't seem quite as appealing. He didn't know if he could carry it out. He didn't think he could finish the mission that the First Order had sent him out on, either. The light side seemed enchanting, but the darkness still whispered to him. He could have whatever he wanted, act whenever he wanted and destroy anything and anyone that got into his way.

Deep down, he knew he would never feel truly comfortable within the First Order. He didn't know anything else of the world. He had only ever known how to do what was best for him.

He didn't feel like Kylo Ren anymore. He felt better, purer. As if, if he were to go back to the First Order, he wouldn't be able to comply to them. Although, he needed to. He desperately needed to. The First Order was his anchor to life. Without them, he would have no true identity. He might lose himself completely.

There was one exception though. With Rey, he felt like he was home. It was dangerous, clinging to someone that way, but as of right now, the First Order was gone. She was his only anchor now.

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Rey was conflicted. She was terrified of Kylo Ren, but in those brief moments where she was with Ben, she felt complete. He was beginning to open up to her. She needed more time with him. She had been going there ever since she had gotten to camp. It had only been about a week and she had only seen him three times. Luke had been insisting on continuing small parts of the training. She was now meditating for at least four hours a day. She didn't enjoy it much, but found that it did calm her and help her focus more.

She decided to talk to him again. Today. She had given the woman her card back. Rey had found her eating with a few other girls and had made up something about finding it in the dirt by her tent. The woman bought it.

So now, she had to convince Finn to take her. No one would give her her own card because she was a visitor. She thought about mind-tricking them into but then decided that abusing her powers would get her nowhere.

Finn was completely and utterly against it. Every time that she brought Kylo up, he was instantly filled with rage. He didn't like it that she thought about him so much. He thought that she could be using her powers for something better than him. He was more colorful with his word choice though.

She decided to try anyways. Rey bounded around camp until she found him standing next to a pretty girl. She looked maybe a few years younger than him, around 17 or 18. She had dark, slightly wavy hair and brown eyes. Her skin was caramel colored and she was just a few inches shorter that Finn. She knew immediately that it was Rosa. He looked at her the same way Poe looked at him.

She walked up to them and was immediately aware that she had interrupted something private. The girl was giving her a look that could freeze a man and Finn looked at Rey, although, not with quite as much rage.

"What do you need?" Finn asked. Even though he was mad, he wasn't that upset. A bit agitated, maybe, but nothing more.

"I need your key card," Rey asked. "I'm gonna go see Ben."