ill be alright

January 5

010516

21:00

so idk why im here writing, but then again i kind of need it. i mean it is like a way to relieve stress and like helps with psychological means. idk too technical.

i enjoy writing sometimes. it's fun. idk what im doing with my life honestly. hopefully things change this year.

maybe he'll actually find a job and keep it. maybe he'll stop being so negative towards me. maybe all three of them will actually find a liking in me instead of just barely tolerating.

maybe they'll drop their bad habits. maybe he'll start to realize we're here for him.

it's kinda sad that depression runs in this family. or at least my dad's side. seriously they are the ones i hang out with the most and they mean a lot, but that doesn't mean i don't pick up on things. wow. all the uncles and my dad have it. three of my cousin currently has it. my brother has it.  i have it. at one point a couple of my other cousins had it, but look at them now, they're alright and they're living good lives now.

its really scary knowing at anytime anyone can be gone in an instant. thats why im always hanging out with them. i've already lost one of my cousins to a gun in a stranger's hand. its sad bc he was my brothers best friend and bc he lost his best friend, he's gotten into depression.

i have depression. i have anxiety attacks. i have panic attacks. i have bipolar disorder. i have slight adhd (my upside down triangle of a brother is went to a psychologist and diagnosed with it). i can even be pretty dyslexic.

when i was little, i used to scream and cry and be that emotional bitch. i still am, i mean that  happened sooo. but anyways, i lost my voice for quite sometime bc of the constant screaming. even though it eventually got better i still stayed quite. i refused to talk after.

i remember when i was younger, my brothers were like 14/16 and i was 4, they would constantly yell me to shut up, i was annoying, i was brat, i was unimportant. it really fucked me up. i was so afraid to talk or do anything in fear that they would yell at me again.

that was when we still lived near piedmont hills. i wonder what it would have been like if we stayed there...

anyways i was almost always mute, except when they were in school. id be able to openly express myself then.

sometimes though, since i never really got to speak about my opinion, it would all build up and i'd break. i'd scream and yell and just break out. then the oldest one, who was the constant 'bully' i guess? but he stepped in and started yelling at me to shut up. I still remember the angry faces he made and his loud booming voice screaming at me. 'MELANIE SHUT UP. STOP BEING ANNOYING. YOURE SUCH A BRAT.' then he'd throw some shit at me or my dad would have to hold him back and take him to his room. at this point you can imagine me curled in a ball in a corner hiding myself in my clothes, shaking with tears running down my face sobbing my eyes out. not a pretty picture huh?

when school came in i was scared to go. i was afraid that it was going to be the same the way it was at home. 

in kindergarten and first grade, it was chill, but i didn't have very many friends. i had a small group of 5, but even they didn't really fit together and half the time i'd be sitting alone or something.

when i moved back to my current house, my oldest brother had just finished high school and went off to the military. even as cruel and horrible he was, i still missed him a little bit. he is still my brother.

when i transferred into the new school, i was scared of what it was going to be like. i met two girls, gwen and annabelle.  they were my best friends and my only friends. i mean i knew people but i was a stranger to them. the thing was though, as a trio, we had many problems and it was difficult at times. sometimes id end up sitting behind the big walls by myself hiding from them.

they were really nice though and they meant a lot, but by the next year it wasn't as great. i still hung out with gwen but annabelle was with kaylen. that was the same year i had met this one girl. she doesnt exist in our lives anymore, but she was that one chick that no one liked.

she was popular around the school and majority of people liked her, but some of it was fake. lots of people didn't like her. me included. she used to tease me and point out my insecurities. i remembered she'd call me ugly, so when i'd hear anything like that i freak out a bit and im constantly worried about what i look like. anyways, i tried ignoring it but she just kept coming back. since i was smart and got good grades, she'd forcefully take my homework and just copy. she used to be so cruel. but she'd always put up an act and say that i'm such a good friend and shit. pretty passive aggressive. she existed from third to fifth grade. 

so at school i constantly got bullied by the same person and i had problems at home. if you look at my old report cards you can see that the teachers would always comment on how i need to talk more and participate in class.

even with my brother gone, i still had breakouts and it was not pretty. screaming crying repeatedly. sounds just like how i was with mylee. yikes constant crying.

i can keep going but just know. it sucks.

lmao @ sixth and seventh grade melanie. wow that just wow. everyone knows about my constant disappearances. just ask anyone. i'd always make my mom let me stay at home and constantly skip out. hmmmmm.... i wonder why i was so scared to go to school. .-.

oh btw my brother came back from the military when i was in sixth grade. thought you should know that too.

theres more to my story but maybe ill save it for another time. how much more of it will i share? idk.

wow that was strange. i just made this to randomly write, not explain my life story. lmaooooo. great whatever. maybe thats why i felt an urge to write. to let this out. i guess my inner feelings that i wanted to express came out. great.

idk im probably just going to come here an write when i feel the need to. okayyy then. still want to write more but not about my past. hmmm idk what i want to say. i just want to keep typing. its weirdly relaxing hitting the keys and just typing. 

hmm whats a topic i just randomly talk about? idk anymore. i guess im all out of rant. okayy ill see later then.