Effys story (a skins fanfic)

It all came crashing down (1)

No no no no. He was lying, he had to be. Cook always lies. This can't happen.

"I'm so so so sorry Eff" he whispered.

"NO YOU STUPID STUPID FUCKER, HE'S NOT DEAD, STOP LYING  YOU'RE FUCKING LYING"

"I'm so so sorry Eff its true, I don't know what else to say" he swallowed, and then he broke down. 

He burst into tears in front of me and I realised that he couldn't be lying. I collapsed to the ground, numb to the cold floor beneath me. Tears filled my eyes and I let them run. He wasn't lying. 

Freddie was dead.

I had only just started to get better, to believe I could win against my mind, to block out the voices and get on with my life, but now this.

"NO, NO NO NO" I screamed as I kicked the wall hardly over and over not caring about the growing pain searing up and down my leg.

Cook grasped my arms and pulled me into him. I thrashed against him until the fight was knocked out of me and I was a broken mess. Sobbing into his shoulders hysterically, I felt him do the same to mine. I couldn't breath. Couldn't speak and the tears wouldn't stop coming.

"Effy.. I.. I saw the blood, his clothes.. Something else happened, I..I did something really stupid"

"What did you do?" I asked weakly.

"I..I killed him, I killed the fucking psycho that murdered my best friend, I held his body in my arms as I beat him to death the same way he did to Freddie, and it felt so good to see his life drain away"

"Wha...what are you talking about? Who?"

"Your fucking therapist" he choked.

I closed my eyes tighter. Cook had killed the man that had killed Freddie.
John foster
And now the police would be after him. This was becoming more of a mess each second that went by.

The only one I've ever loved. The one I was capable of loving,  and now he was gone. Freddie had promised me forever, and now he'd left me. Alone. I was all alone, left with nothing but my mind, and that thought scared the hell out of me.

I could hear the voices start to come back. I tried to shut them up but they wouldn't leave me alone. I had no one left to keep me sane.

"Effy I'm here, We need each other and I'm here, I'm always here" cook whispered, bringing me back into reality as he rocked me back and forth.

"But I loved him", "I loved him", "I loved him" I mumbled again and again.

"So did I, Eff, so did fucking I"

"I need to get out" I mumbled feeling sick suddenly.

"Eff.."

"I said I fucking need to get out Cook let me go"

I shouted and yanked myself away from him. 

It didn't feel right to be in anyone's arms but Freddie's
To let anyone touch me but Freddie.
I ran to the garden and threw up over and over on the pavement until I was empty.

I then decided to go to Freddie's shed. I ran to the shed, closed the door behind me and slid down against the door. This was Freddie's special place, filled with memories. Memories with his best friend Cook. And memories with me.

Everything still smelt of Freddie, the pillows, the sofa. The walls. It felt like he could walk through the door any second. But he couldn't. And he never would again.

Suddenly, Cook burst through the door.

"Look Eff, I fucking need u, u can't walk out on me too" he shouted.

"I'm sorry" I cried.

"I'm sorry I fuck everything up, if I wasn't so messed up, I wouldn't have met John foster and he wouldn't have k...killed  Freddie, so I'm sorry okay Cook?" I shouted.

He looked at me and shook his head.

"This isn't right, Freddie always makes the right decisions, the sensible one, he shouldn't have ended up like this, he loved u so much, so much I couldn't understand it. I'm the one who should be in his place"

"Don't say that, don't you fucking dare" I replied quietly and he sat on the sofa with his head in his hands.

"Did u see him?" I whispered

"What?"

"DID U SEE HIM DEAD?"

"No, I just saw His clothes covered in blood and John had a baseball bat with blood covering it  too, he beat Freddie to death"

I gasped in horror as I thought about Freddie screaming in pain as his last drop of life was drained from him.

"We should get away for a while" I muttered.

"What?" He must have thought I was crazy, well, I was.

"I can't stay here Cook, we have to get out, and...and you need to run from the police"

"Okay but where?"

"Anywhere but here, I can't stay here, I have to try and forget"

"We can never forget Eff, he was too good to forget"

"Yes but my heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces and if I don't try to get on with my life, I'll go insane again, I can't live like this, I loved him too much, my mind is thinking about him 24-7"

"Pack your bags we can leave tonight" he replied quietly.

"Okay" I didn't think a second thought about it and walked home quickly. I threw some clothes into a bag along with my passport and zipped it up frantically. That was all I needed. I would meet Cook tomorrow at Freddie's shed and we would leave. Leave this place I called my home. Well, without Freddie, it was no longer my home.

I scribbled a note to my mum and left it on the side:

Mum, 

I'm going away for a bit, don't worry about me

I'll speak to you soon,

Eff x

I laid in bed thinking about Freddie. The way he looked at me, so full of love and good, like I was his whole world. The way he helped me no matter the risk because he cared so much. The way he made me feel safe.
No one could ever do that apart from him, no one would want to and I wouldn't blame them.

I didn't care about fairy tales, that was real love, as real as it gets. We'd never had it easy but now he was really gone. Gone forever. Taken from me like everything else.

I loved Freddie and he loved me, but nothing can ever be that simple and it will never be again.

I fell asleep as the tears poured down my face leaving wet traces on my cheeks and onto my pillow. I cried out endlessly, he was the only good thing that ever happened to me, and now gone in the blink of an eye. I never understood  what people meant by a broken heart until now. This is why I never let myself care, but now it was too late, I had let him in and it had killed him.

My heart was in a million pieces and I felt as if I was being stabbed in the chest with broken glass, and it just wouldn't end.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.