Effys story (a skins fanfic)

I dont belong (14)

Cook put his jacket around my shoulders as I shivered. I wiped the tears from my eyes furiously, why did Freddie's words hurt me so much? I held the jacket in place and we walked to the shed in silence.  Cook pushed the door open and I walked in after him.

"I'm sorry" I head him say. I turned to see him staring at me.
"It's not your fault cook"
Cook turned to me.
"You don't know how wrong you are"
I looked at cook, really looked at him, hollow circles had formed beneath his eyes, maybe he hadn't been sleeping well either, in fact he didn't look like he had slept at all.

"I don't blame you Cook" I studied for a reaction but he just continued to stare at me until his mouth opened to speak again.

"If I hadn't started a fight in that club none of this would have happened and you wouldn't be in any danger, and I hate myself for doing that" he replied.

"Yeah and if I hadn't done certain things this wouldn't have happened either so everyone is to blame"

"If you hadn't met me then you would have lived the perfect life effy and your life would have been better off without me"

"I'm not playing this game cook, If I hadn't have met you, my life would be far from perfect, I need you, I always have"
I admitted placing my hand in his and sitting down next to him. I put my hand on his thigh. I caressed his thigh as I smiled slowly at him.

"Don't start playing with my feelings effy, it never ends well" he warned pulling his hand away from mine, and turning away, I knew what I was doing but I couldn't seem to stop, I was lonely and this was the only way I knew.

"I'm not playing Cook"

"Don't start something you can't finish"

I ignored his reply and leaned into him slowly. He didn't push me away so I carried on until I my lips touched his. I kissed him roughy and he did the same to me. It was different to when I kissed Freddie, it wasn't full of emotion and love, it was fast and desperate and full of need and I needed to feel someone close to me. I knew it wasn't right to string Cook along, I hated myself for doing it and I had promised myself I wouldn't do it again but I always fell into the same trap.

I pushed him back onto the sofa roughly, my mouth never leaving his. I always knew Freddie was the only one I could truly love but right at this moment I needed to feel cooks lips on mine, needed to feel loved even if I couldn't love back. I did have some feelings for Cook at least that must count for something.

I lost myself into the kiss until Cook slowly broke away and whispered against my lips to stop. I turned around to see who he was looking at, and in the doorway, was Freddie.

My heart sank as I realised what had just happened.

"Effy" his soft voice broke. Freddie looked at me trying to hide the disappointment on his face.

I turned my back to him and turned, once again, to Cook.

"Get him out" I said to Cook loudly and precisely.

"Freddie leave, don't you know when enough is enough?"

Freddie opened his mouth to argue and then realised that there was something more important to say.

"I'm so sorry effy I promised myself I would never hurt you" he spoke softly and then opened his mouth again.

"the boy that doesn't know when to stop, doesn't know how to turn his feelings off, that boy is me, don't you get it? I'm not like you effy, I can't turn my feeling off and play with people, I don't have that skill, I don't know what I want  in life, what I need, I question every single thing about me and I still don't know why I give everyone so many chances, why I put myself in positions that I don't know how to get out of and I don't know why I say certain things just to spite you but most of all, i don't know why I can't make myself stop loving you effy stonem, I may not know how to handle that love but I can't deny that I'm so in love with you I would put your life infront of mine every time"

A tear rolled down my face as I listened to every word, I took a deep breath and realised I had to tell Freddie how I really felt, I had to open up for once. I was older now and I had to let cook move on.

"I'm scared freddy, I'm so scared of who I am when I'm with you; it's unpredictable, you make me feel like no ones made me feel before and I don't know how to handle that feeling so I push it away because, if I let you in you will hurt me again like you did today"

"I know your scared but we can make it work, we always do effy" his smile lightened my mood but I knew it was too good to be true and I couldn't keep living the fantasy, he was better off without me.

"Maybe that's the problem Freddie, u said you would die for me and I would die for you but are relationships supposed to be like that? Because that doesn't sound healthy to me"

"I can't just stop loving you effy, your the only one I care about and I'm not going to apologise for feeling that way but I'm sorry for what I said earlier, it was just easier to blame you then to see that the real problem is me"

"That's exactly it Freddie, we are always blaming ourselves, taking things a step to far, it doesn't work, you made me go mad until the point that u almost died for it and I made you come back just to go round in the same circle again, I say that I've changed but I haven't, and I never can if your always there to catch me when I fall"
I could tell that no one liked where this conversation was going but I had to do the right thing for once and let him go.

Freddie glanced at me and stayed silent, he knew I was speaking what everyone else was too scared to say. I turned to the other blank face beside me.

"Cook I'm really sorry for the way I treated you, I used your feelings for me as a way out and that's not fair, you have been the best fucking friend I have ever had and I love you for that and you have guided me through the toughest times, but it's time to let go, you'll be better off without me, both of you will" I turned to Freddie.

"Freddie we have to let go, I love you so fucking much and I will always love you more than i ever imagined I could love anyone, I'm so in love with you I don't notice the world around me but u have to let me go, because you could do so much better without me" I said as I felt the tears run down my face taking my mascara with them.

"I'm poison to you both, I've ruined your friendship and I think you need to rebuild that and do something with your lives, so I'm saying goodbye and good luck" I whispered. The two boys I had spent my life caring about looked at me in disbelief as I grabbed my bags I had left in the corner and was about to leave when I felt two cold hands wrap around me. It was Cook. He hugged me to him and rested his head on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry eff, for everything but I will always love you and I hope you know that" he sobbed onto my shoulder,

I was next grabbed by Freddie who carefully wrapped his arms Around my waist and rested his head against my shoulder for a second before pressing his lips onto mine for one final time.

I kissed him as desperately as he kissed me and our lips moulded into one. I had to break away so I pulled away and he kissed my head.
"You have changed my life effy stonem I will love you till the day I die" he whispered through tears.

I found the courage to push past and walk through the door.

Effy stonem, there's no turning back now.