Effys story (a skins fanfic)

Emotionless (5)

I woke up, the same as I did everyday and made myself a coffee the same as I did everyday, my life was a constant cycle of emptiness.

Cook came home and placed his keys on the table.

"Hey Eff, I brought back the good stuff ay"
he winked handing me a bundle of cash.

"Wow" I replied unenthusiastically.

"Listen babes I'm going out later you coming?"

"No thanks" I replied. He stopped moving around looked at me.

"You alright Eff?"

"Walking on fucking sunshine Cook"

"Your still taking your meds though aren't you?" His tone changed to a worried one.

"Yes"

"Good one" he replied and kissed my cheek.

"Cook?"

"Yes Eff"

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"For caring"

He nodded understandably and smiled that Cook smile and left me alone.

I may not have my meds to take but I  felt like my mind had started to calm down, the voices had died down and I had buried the things that could break me. I didn't need my meds when I could self-medicate by blocking everything out.

The only problem was, if I blocked out all of the bad stuff, it meat blocking out the good stuff too, leaving me unable to feel anything for anyone, but I had become so good at that game, blocking everything out and producing a mask of cold hard Effy Stonem, the girl that didn't feel. It felt good to have her back, easier, less painful.

I stayed inside watching the people outside the window laughing and having fun. Until I saw something strange, a familiar face, but it was almost too fast to really look at it, just a flash of his face.

It was my mind playing tricks on me, my mind had fooled me all this time, letting me think I was getting better but it was really just preparing to really mess with me. And now it was making me see him. His face.
Freddie.

And I knew why it was doing this, making me see him, because I was the reason he was killed and my mind was making me pay for it. My fault. My fault. My fault.

I stepped outside and I saw it again. I shook my head but the image wouldn't go away. My mind wouldn't stop playing games and I had to keep blinking, and soon, I wasn't sure what was reality and what was in my head.

After an hour of walking around the streets shaking my head and blinking continuously, I decided to go back inside.

The voices were now stronger than ever, tearing at me from the inside
I was better off dead, I deserved to die after what I did to Freddie, I should be lying in a grave, not him, my mind kept repeating but I couldn't make it stop.

 I realised that the voices had never really stopped, they'd just gone quiet for a while, letting me think I could live like this, tricking me into feeling safe, but I knew deep down that I couldn't win against my mind, it was too powerful and it was telling the truth, I had to pay for what I did to Freddie.