Caught in-between #Wattys2016

Joe's return

"Try not to worry Cass. I know that's easier said than done but at least try."

Nina's reassuring tone was betrayed by the glint of uncertainty in her eyes. I knew she was trying to be supportive for my sake, but she loved Joe like a brother, and she was bound to be worrying about how he would take the blow that I would be delivering when he returned home in a matter of hours.

I nodded unconvincingly.

Nina kissed my forehead lightly as she reached for her bag behind me.

"Call me if you need me."

I nodded for a second time, not quite trusting myself to speak. My throat, tight from the effort of holding back tears cut off any words that I could think to say.

Nina smiled at me sadly for a moment, and then left the apartment without saying a word.

I looked around my empty apartment. It was a bright day and inviting rays of warmth stretched across the living room floors. I wish I didn't have to do what I knew to be the right thing...I wished I could somehow subdue the dread that was steadily pooling in the pit of my stomach, making me feel queasy.

Joe would be home any second. The urge to pace was great, but Nina had made a fair point about trying to keep still and remaining centred as a way of managing my anxieties. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the silence of my apartment. The knot in stomach began to ease up slightly and I exhaled slowly, allowing the relief to wash over me.

My eyes popped open as I heard a key turn, and the front door open. I felt excitement and fear in that moment. But mostly I felt overwhelmed. I stood up as Joe entered the apartment. He stepped through the door wearing loose black track suit bottoms and a grey Adidas t-shirt, and a smile slowly illuminated his face. I couldn't help but grin back at him.

"Hi Joe."

Joe dropped his suitcase and strode over to me without saying a word. He picked me up effortlessly and kissed me softly. He planted me down and cupped my face with his hands. I allowed his fingers to trace the outline of my jaw and intertwine with my curls which were loosely piled on top of my head.

"God, I've missed you." Joe murmured. "I know it's only been five days but it just seemed so much longer."

I nodded against Joe's chest. It had seemed longer.

Joe released me and may his way over to the kitchen.

"I'm starving Cass. Do you want something to eat? Or maybe we should head out and get something."

The mention of food suddenly bought back the churning feeling in my stomach, stronger than what I had felt earlier in the day. I couldn't go out and get lunch with Joe...I had to break up with him, and the thought of that was now making me feel physically sick.

Joe came back into the living area with a baguette in his hand. "Maybe I'll just make myself a sandwich..." he began before he caught sight of my face.

"Cass, are you okay? You look pale."

I shook my head. I did not feel okay at all.

"I think I need to be sick"

Joe was by my side in a flash. "Okay, let's get you to the bathroom" he said as he guided me towards our bedroom.

As soon as I reached that bathroom, I was sick. Not a little bit, but violently. Joe helpfully held my hair back and rubbed my back. The retching slowly subsided and I started to feel a little better; not enough to leave the bathroom, but enough to take my head out of the bowl.

Joe placed his hand on my clammy forehead.

"I'm gonna see what we have in the medicine cabinet. Maybe there's something in there that'll settle your stomach."

Joe's head disappeared into the cabinet under the sink. "I'm guessing it's something that you ate...good thing that I came back when I did..."

I closed my eyes and rested my back on the tiled wall, listening to Joe mostly talk to himself as he deliberated over what could be causing me to throw up. I'd almost fallen asleep when Joe said:

"Cass...didn't you buy these month before last?"

I peeled my eyes open to see Joe holding an unopened box of tampons.

"I think so...I don't remember."

"Well, when did you last have your period?"

I shook my head trying to work out the math.

"Cass, I think you're about two weeks late." Joe said slowly.

I gasped. Joe was right. I'd been so consumed in my own drama that I hadn't realised that I hadn't gotten my period. I was on birth control but wasn't always consistent with it. I never worried though. In nine years of being together Joe and I had never had an accident. Problem was Joe wasn't the only person I'd been having sex with recently.

Joe was studying my face carefully, I guess trying to make sense of what I thought.

"Well, we'd better get a pregnancy test. Would you mind getting one?"

Joe was more than happy to go down to the shops. Getting him out of the apartment was exactly what I needed. The space to freak out was exactly what the doctor prescribed. Nina's suggestions of meditation and stillness became irrelevant and I paced and wringed my fingers. My chest tightened in anticipation of taking the test.

This was my worst nightmare come to life. I couldn't believe that I could have been so careless, but there were so many times when Joe and I should have gotten pregnant, but it hadn't happened. I had started to think that perhaps I couldn't get pregnant.

But then again maybe I was just stressed. A lot had been happening, between Adam and Joe, my exhibition and seeing my mother, my plate had overflowed. God! I really hoped my period was just late. On top of everything, the last thing I needed was to be pregnant, and not know who the baby belonged to.