Caught in-between #Wattys2016

Normalcy

My eyes flew open and I rolled over to glance at the little alarm clock on the bed side cabinet. The red digits seemed to glare at me accusingly- it was two thirty in the morning- I’d fallen asleep again- shit! It was bad enough that I was doing this, but having to fabricate extra lies on top of the mountain that I’d already told, made my heart sink. I couldn’t even remember why I was doing this anymore, how I had gotten to this point in the first place. I lay on my back staring intently at the ceiling, trying to come up with a plausible excuse to pass off to Joe once I’d crawled back into bed.  I was a horrible person- I groaned as I sat upright drawing my knees into to my chest.

Adam sat up, placing his arm around my naked waist and mumbled against my back,

‘Are you leaving already?  Seems like you just got here.’

I sighed heavily; I didn’t want his concern, ‘You know I have to get back-  it’s late, he’ll be wondering were I am.....'

Adam’s body stiffened in reaction to my words. I hated to hurt him, but it was simply unavoidable.

'Adam.....please' I whispered wearily.

I felt his arm loosen from around my waist. He lay back down, dejected. My heart ached as I looked at him wishing that I could alleviate his pain. What was I doing? Why was I doing this to him; why didn’t he just leave; so many questions. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers though my thick curly hair. Not that this would help much, the curls were so tight, they could only be tamed when wet. I concentrated on getting dressed with my back towards Adam. I couldn’t look at him knowing the betrayal I would see in his eyes. I didn’t need to look at him to picture his face. Caramel skinned, short short thick black hair, his deep set searching brown eyes, that strong jaw line……

‘So will I see you tomorrow then?’ I winced at the harshness in Adam’s voice. I didn’t trust myself to speak. Although I knew he had every right to be mad, I also knew that anger would be my retaliatory reaction; a result of me striving to starve off the guilt that I knew would suffocate me later as I curled up against Joe.

 I inhaled deeply; I could smell Adam in my hair, I would have to shower when I got in.

‘Why Adam? Why do we keep doing this, why not just……’ I couldn’t make myself finish the sentence; I couldn’t even finish the thought. I exhaled jaggedly as tears filled my eyes threatening to spill over. Everything was such a mess.

I felt Adam’s strong hands on my shoulders turning my body to face his. His black eyes had softened. He searched my face for a moment before pulling me against his hard chest.

 ‘Because I love you.’ He breathed.

 Try as I might, I could not stop the tears from falling. I let him hold me for a moment wiping my tears away, before I turned away from him.

 ‘I have to go’ I sobbed. I pushed away from Adam and stumbled towards the door, grazing my knee against the small oak coffee table by the foot of the large double bed.  It was always like this with Adam, a rollercoaster of emotion. He was addictive, and I hadn’t, in the last twelve months managed to kick the habit. Every inch of me craved him, so I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t enough.

 By the time I got home, it was three fifteen in the morning. I felt bad- I had been doing this for far too long, but it felt good to be home. Horrible as I felt, Joe was my safe haven, my comfort zone, and I did love him.

I crept into the bedroom that I shared with Joe. He was strewn across the large bed, snoring softly entangled in the sheets. A reluctant smile crept across my face as I watched him sleep. Despite everything, Joe always made me feel peaceful. I crept across the bathroom to the small ensuit bathroom intent on taking a shower, washing away the memories of the past four hours.