Nothing to Fear

Chapter Nineteen: The Flame

Finn blinked awake early the next morning, vaguely aware of his surroundings. His whole mind seemed to be singularly focused on the horrible nightmares that had plagued him the whole night, some of Ratri and his cane, others of his best friend dead in a pool of his own blood. The Haddock boy immediately got out of his bed and began throwing on his clothes as quickly as he could. Only one person would know why he was suddenly inundated with horrific images and an constant feeling of powerlessness.

It was as Finn was pounding down the stairs, not bothering to keep quiet, that he suddenly stopped, a horrible sinking feeling in his gut. Benen wasn't going to be at home. The nightmares of his best friend lying dead in his own blood were more than just nightmares.

The boy slowly lowered himself until he was sitting down on the step. He placed his head in his hands and took several deep breaths, forcing himself not to lose it right there, not to let out the wail he felt deep within his soul. He didn't realize how long he was sitting there until he heard footsteps just behind his head. He looked up to see his sister descending the staircase, still dressed in her long pink nightgown and fuzzy, yak fur slippers. She sat down next to him on the stair, her blonde head several inches below his own. Ordinarily he would have thought it funny how small she was compared to him but he couldn't get Benen out of his head.

Adrianna was quiet for a few seconds before speaking up. "I know what loneliness feels like... So if you need someone to talk to-"

"Anna, I'm not you! And I'm not a girl!" Finn suddenly snapped, taken aback at how hoarse his voice sounded. He sighed deeply when his sister flinched slightly. He knew it wasn't fair to take this out on her when she was on his side for once. He mentally reminded himself that she had loved Benen almost as much as he had before speaking again. "I just... don't act like the wise guy here because suddenly I'm feeling something. Okay?"

"I... I'm not-"

"No I know you're just trying to help, but honestly you're no different than anyone. Same empty words whether intended or not, the words don't help. The promises don't do anything. The wisdom from people doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy. You should understand that more than anyone." Finn said as patiently as he could before standing up and going back upstairs.

Adrianna remained seated on the stair, watching him ascend the staircase and walk back into his room, shutting the door behind him. A part of her felt like she should have been offended by his words but something about his voice surprised her. For a long time, she thought he was oblivious to things like feelings and emotional pain but he wasn't. She wasn't sure whether or not to be glad he finally understood a little bit of her own struggle. Was she supposed to feel anything except sorry for him?

Still feeling conflicted, the Haddock girl got to her feet and headed to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. She would have to think about her brother's emotions some other time.

Xxx

If Finn had been able to focus on his surroundings, he would have been touched that so many people showed up for Benen's funeral that afternoon. The crowd was so thick, he was glad he'd been leading it because he certainly wouldn't have been able to see Benen's ship otherwise. The silent crowd watched as Finn got to his knees next to the small ship to inspect it, making sure that it was perfect before shoving off. A few trinkets lined the body, which was covered in a thin white sheet. Finn recognized a small wooden carving he had made his friend a few weeks after they'd gotten back from Maero. He wanted to thank whoever had thought to include it but he suspected it might be his father. He wasn't ready to talk to him again.

"So uhh..." Finn cleared his throat, speaking in a low voice so that no one could hear except Benen. "I'm not so good at this, last words. I just..." Finn bit his lip, his heart drumming against his ribs. What could he possibly say to sum up the best six and a half years of his life? To convey how close he and Benen had been, how much he had loved him? There were no words. Nothing profound or important. Nothing at all. "I wish I could say something amazing that'll make you proud but all I can say is that I'll miss you. More than anything."