The QuirKy Diary

Bad Start To a New Year

*Sigh* it is currently 2/1/15 and I'm doing nothing. Do you know what happened yesterday during new year? I FUCKING CRIED. You know why? BECAUSE THIS FUCKING YEAR AND THE REST OF THE YEARS TIL I FUCKING DIE ARE WITHOUT SHAHZAIB. Stupid, I know! Christmas and New Year I have been so fucking upset all because of him. I don't know if I should call him my supposedly 'fiance' anymore. Maybe now, I'm just known to him as his "first, horrible, never-going-to-go-back-to, love" :) What's worse is: I still love that dumbass (and yes, I partially actually mean it now!), partially because I'm not really sure if he actually lied or not. Haha.. you know what I just finished doing? I was reading throw my old book "The Bitch Life" and I read through my friend's book "Thinking Out Loud". I read all the damn chapters with Shahzaib in it. When I read my friend's chapter on that day Shahzaib and I were giving notes about who liked each other more I actually broke down due to the flashback. I remember very clearly. Shahzaib was sitting on team 5 while I was on team 2 and we pretended to burrow something from each other so we could pass the note with all the scribbled 0s on them.

Then, I also read my friend's chapter on that day we finally got together..

The chapter where we were playing aus tag and Shahzaib's face got knocked out..

Then a flood of memories came pouring out. Then I wonder, did he lie about loving me like he lied to our parents?

Was that very day where he asked me out fake?

Was that damn proposal fake?

I hate this shit. I wonder what would have happened if Shahzaib didn't end up liking me. If I didn't say yes. If I was the girl he hated again.

Well, all I want for him is to be damn happy. If it means he'll find another girl and have kids with her.. so be it. I will be broken, I will be depressed, I will be nothing again. But I still and will do anything for him.

But I really hope his promises will be kept.

Like; I promise I will love you no matter what.

I promise I won't find another girl.

I promise we'll see each other again on your 16th birthday.

I promise.. I'll be here.

Shahzaib, please just at least try to keep those promises. I love you with all my damn heart.

I hate that I love you. But it's you, you, you, you, you. It won't ever be him, him, him, him, him.

I love you.