Savior

The Boy I Let In

When I wake, I wake reborn.

I don't jolt awake wondering where I am, shaking from the remnants of fear, I don't have to take deep breaths and chant that I am safe, that I don't have to be scared.

Thoughts of Louis don't plague my mind, memories don't haunt me in my sleep, and the guilt that had burrowed itself deep inside my belly over my unborn child has gone into hibernation.

I don't do any of the calming rituals I was always forced to do, I simply turn away from the soft rosy hue of the sunrise and snuggle into Harry's arm, breathing in his woodsy scent.

For the first time in a long time I feel safe. I feel happy.

There is a special room in my heart where my pain lies. This room thrives on my darkness -growing and spreading onto the walls, infesting every inch.

And I let Harry in last night.

And opening that door let in some light, made those vicious vines of pain shrink away inch by inch. They are still there, still clinging, but Harry's light has stopped them from spreading.

Spilling the truth, opening up about my pain and scars... I feel lighter somehow. As if sharing that burden with someone else had taken a bit of the weight off of my shoulders.

The nerves I felt last night while relaying my story still run through my veins like a dull current. No longer fearful of the truth, but now fearful of what comes after.

Will he treat me differently?

Will the reveal of my troubled past - my tortured soul be too much for him to bear?

Will he finally realize that I can never be fixed? That these wounds, though healed, will always be scars?

He was so dutiful last night, so comforting... but, will a good night's rest have him rethinking his decision to be with me? Will this be too much for him? My heart instantly chastises me for even thinking it, but my mind burrows that doubt deep into my blood.

The troubling thoughts have the nerves from last night stirring in my belly like a ferocious storm. My whole chest feels like a beating heart, my whole body is thumping with anxiety.

I don't regret telling him, I feel relieved, but fear of what the light of day might bring has my insides twisting.

I glance up at his sleeping face beneath my eyelashes; his fluttering lids, half open mouth, and relaxed face... He looks innocent, angelic almost, with the sunlight glowing on his skin.

The burning candle in my endless darkness.

His warmth, his scent, his closeness has my heart beating for an entirely different reason.

I'm so hot this close to him that it's almost suffocating, my whole body vibrates with my heartbeat and I have to slowly begin to pull away from him in a feeble attempt to calm my nerves.

My growing affection for this boy is starting to strangle me.

I detach myself from his embrace, feeling the chill on my body almost instantly. He groans a little in his sleep, stretching his arms out on the bed -searching for me. The sight alone has my heart squeezing like a fist and a small smile gracing my lips.

He huffs, turning away when he can't reach me and his reaction has my nerves calming.

But, I need time. To think. To process.

I flip open the notebook on his bedside table to the first page and scribble down a small note on the center before his sleeping face forces me to stay.

You were drooling on me so I had to leave before I drowned. Text me.

XO,
Layla

I refrain from writing 'love' -the word pounding in my skull like a drum and almost crushing all other thoughts. I don't think I have the strength yet to even contemplate that emotion.

I take one last glance at his peaceful face before walking out of his room as quietly as possible.

"Layla?"

I nearly scream at the sudden noise, whirling around and slamming into Harry's closed door in shock. But when I see Eliza paused mid-step in the hall, glancing between Harry's door and me, that shock quickly turns into mortification.

I had not expected anyone to be up this early.

"E-Eliza, I didn't... What are you doing here?"

She almost laughs, a slow grin spreading against her cheeks as her eyes dart from the door to me, "What are you doing here?"

If I touched my cheeks then, I'm sure I would get third degree burns on my fingers from their heat. I struggle to find something to say, not sure if I want to tell her the truth or keep it to myself.

I decide I'm much too shy to admit to anything just yet and her suggestive smile is only making me more anxious, more embarrassed.

"I... I was just thanking Harry for the gift he gave me."

"And how exactly did you thank him?" The innuendo in her tone is clear and I nearly choke on my saliva, the embarrassment so strong I want to curl up and die.

"Eliza! Nothing happened," I murmur, averting my gaze and fidgeting, wanting nothing more than to end this conversation, "Why are you leaving so early?"

This time, she does chuckle at my obvious change of subject, but with one last satisfied smirk she drops it.

"I have to open up the cafe. I know you're shift doesn't start for a few more hours, but do you want to come with? I feel like you have a lot to tell me."

My eyes narrow at her, really hating her suggestive tone, but my mind is still reeling from last night's confession and reliving my past and I could really use he distraction.

It's not like I would get much sleep anyway.

___________________

Two cups of tea, three rude customers, and too many Harry-filled innuendos from Eliza later and I am fully regretting the decision to crawl out of Harry's warm embrace this morning.

I'm also regretting getting three hours of sleep and wondering how in the hell Eliza gets up every day to open the cafe at five in the morning.

Luckily, the busy morning has been a welcome distraction from the thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts about Louis and Harry and how Harry will treat me today, if he's woken, if he's read my note.

By the time the morning rush dies down and I have cleared off all of the tables I am running low on fuel. While Eliza is in the back I can't help but sneak up the winding staircase into the small alcove to take a quick nap before the lunch-time rush.

The window across from the stairs provides dim lighting -enough to make out the bookshelves and bean bag chair, but not much else. It doesn't take long for my eyelids to grow heavy and the world to go black.

But, it seems as if I only close my eyes for one second and the next I am being shaken awake.

Though, I think I must have been asleep for a while because the dim glow through the window has brightened into midday sunlight and I have to squint my eyes from the brightness.

My eyes adjust slowly, though a few things are clear instantly; the bright emerald eyes searching my face, the outline of long curly hair, and the familiar scent of the forest.

"Harry?" I grumble, wiping my eyes and sitting up slowly, causing him to shift back slightly, taking a seat next to me on the chair.

"I don't drool."

"What?"

He huffs next to me, crossing his arms and pouting, "I don't drool in my sleep."

My groggy brain finally catches up and I remember the note this morning, a small laugh escaping my lips at his adorableness. I sit up straighter, reaching over to pinch his cheek, but he quickly slaps away my hands.

"Why did you leave this morning, really?" The playfulness is sucked from the conversation as his tone grows more serious, "Did you... Are you regretting last night?"

Through the soft glow of the window I can see his eyebrows furrow in concern, his light eyes cautious of my answer, almost afraid.

My chest aches at his expression –knowing I stems from my track record for regretting a lot of things we've done together.

I suddenly feel embarrassed for leaving so early this morning, slightly guilty. I glance away from his intrusive eyes, trying to find the right thing to say.

"I... No, I'm not. I thought... I thought you might change your mind... That you wanted an out after hearing the truth."

I wouldn't have blamed him... I come with a lot of baggage, a lot of scars that no matter how often he kisses them, they aren't going away.

No matter how much light he sheds, there will always be shadows in my heart.

But, Harry looks at me as if I just said the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. His brows scrunch together, his jaw drops and he shakes his head feverently, an incredulous laugh falling from his lips.

Slowly, so that I can see him, he brings his hands out to cup my cheeks, stroking them gently.

"What more do I have to do?" He asks, voice dazed, "What do I have to do or say to make you believe me? To make you understand that I'm all in? That I have been all in since the moment I caught you on my balcony? That nothing you could say, no secret you could bear would make me change my mind?