The Only One That Matters

Abandoned

Mello had never experienced nostalgia. He knew what it meant, how it was supposed to feel yet he had nothing to be nostalgic about.

He didn't look back on his childhood with great fondness. In fact whenever he tried to, it was just a mesh of panic and crushing competition swirling around his mind in a blurry haze. And that was just his time at Wammy's. He couldn't even hope to remember his life before that, so he just didn't bother. Although he liked to imagine it was calm. In his darkest times he always found himself longing for tranquility, and it brought him comfort thinking there was a time for him when nothing mattered, be it real or not.

There is one day that persisted in Mello's memory no matter how much he tried to forget the painfully crushing details.

 The feeling of complete bewilderment when Rodger uttered those words that the young boy never thought he would ever hear sent his world spinning. The feeling pierced through him, as his last shred of hope and his hero was gone. The undefeatable had been defeated. To the young Mello, this was the end of the world.

The blind fury that surged through him when that "white haired freak" didn't even bat an eyelid at the news. Didn't he realise what this meant? Justice had been defeated. And he just didn't seem to care.

The feeling of terror as he packed a small bag with clothes and the last bit of courage he could muster up as he realised he was really going to do this. For real this time. 

As he exited those prison gates for the last time he pushed all second thoughts to the very back of his mind and pushed himself further and further down the road, but somehow a small voice made itself audible, whispering in a terrified voice "Why is no one trying to stop me?"

And the guilt.

The guilt that Mello felt as he stumbled down unfamiliar alleyways, the icy blades of rain slicing his skin, imagining Matt's face, his crooked grin, his freckles dotted so perfectly about the bridge of his upturned button nose, his emerald green eyes...

His perfect face twisted with hurt and bewilderment when he realised the person who promised to stay by his side forever had abandoned him. 

'Dammit...' he cursed, clenching his fists, fighting back the tears that sprung to his eyes. 'I...I didn't want to leave you...I...'

He slammed his fist into a wall beside him, leaving aside all ideas of trying to keep his composure. He cast his eyes upwards, searching for the stars, the moon, the royal blue velvet sky rolling on endlessly to replenish his hope and cleanse his soul. But instead he was greeted by the murky clouds mocking him safely from above.

This was his reality now. And there was no turning back.