Irresistible

Breathe

No one liked losing people, whether they'd mistreated you or you were the one who had made the decision that you didn't want them in your life anymore. No matter what had happened, you still end up missing them. You miss how you were with them and their presence in your life.

A part of me felt like it was my fault.

It had to be, right?

I'm the one that let feelings get in the way of a friendship that meant more to me than anything else. It wasn't even an exaggeration when I say that I lost someone who I looked to for everything. And that's weird, isn't it? That I trusted and relied on someone more than I did with my own family. But that's how it was from the start with Harry and me. We went into everything headfirst without slowing down or thinking it through.

I mean, could anyone really blame us? No one could deny the connection we had. It was just so easy to click and fall into each other. There was constant banter back and forth and even the silence wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. Harry and I liked the same things and we told each other everything. We turned to the other when we needed someone the most. That was the biggest thing. Harry came to me when he needed someone and I went to him when I needed someone.

I hated that I was being so dramatic about this because everyone loses people. Nothing sticks or lasts forever. It was just difficult to let go of someone that I'd spent over two years being with in every possibly way. I guess I never thought I'd lose him, was the thing. Despite knowing about my feelings for him and knowing how Harry felt about me, I knew that whatever would happen, our friendship would stay intact. In fact, we promised each other it would no matter what and then after our fight,  all I could think was how am I supposed to feel without Harry here with me?

The thing was, I wasn't sure what to be without Harry around. Night and day seemed to mesh together and I was no longer sure of time. Every moment just seemed dreary and empty, like a part of me was no longer there. Harry was the only thing that I knew like the back of my hand and that's all gone.

I always used to think that was love that tore people apart, not friendship, especially after witnessing my parents' relationship. This "love" was a little weird for me, especially since I never liked to dwell on that thought too much. Every time it came to mind, I'd automatically feel embarrassed because it made me to start think about one of the last things Harry had said to me.

Because you're in love with me.

Even though, it'd been almost a month since we talked or seen each other, I could still hear him in my head saying those words. Of course, there were drunken voice mails and texts from both ends for a while. The only few phrases apart from the incoherent mess of words were "'I miss you', 'fuck you', 'come back'". Shortly, I started avoiding phone calls and such from everyone else; knowing that talking to my friends would lead to either talking about Harry or seeing him.

It wasn't easy nor was it simple.

Of course, there's always a part of me that wants to just forget all that was said that night and pretend like it didn't matter because all it did was just split us in two. While the thought of calling Harry up to just meet and talk seemed tempting, I couldn't do it. It just wouldn't be the same. Nothing we say was going to save us from what had happened. And that's just the thing, though. None of us thought it was going to end or turn out the way Harry and me did. It killed me when I told Harry that we couldn't be friends anymore because that's the one thing we had that actually worked.

With all these thoughts weighing on my shoulders, I couldn't stay home and in bed all day, no matter how much I wanted to. During this time, I've mostly been working while being avoided by Chris, who I heard had moved to a different branch, so the only two people I ever ended up talking to were my mother and Eleanor.