Photograph

8||Routine

"What happened?"

"You know what happened"

My eyelids don't bother to part from each other as Nicola's soft fingers gently move loose strands of my hair behind my ear.

My stepfather was nice enough to let me attempt at driving from our home in Bradford to Nic'a flat in Stamford. Only a little under two hours but it was long enough to leave me with my thoughts. Just where do I even begin. How am I even supposed to fix us and I want to fix us.

"If it makes you feel any better, Cara isn't her girlfriend-"

"Then who the hell is she?" I sit up swiftly Nicola's bed, pounding my fists against the fluffy peach bedding as my chestnut hair falls in front of my face.

"Uh-"

"It doesn't matter. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to work anything out with me"

I don't say anything else, letting my emotion get the best of me as the tears begin to build in my eyes and Nicola's pale right thumb is there to wipe my cheek.

"Stop"

"I'm trying. I just feel extremely worse than I did before-"

"Of course you are, you see the love of your life-"

"No-"

"Yes the love of your bloody life. You can't stop thinking about her. I bet you create these atrocious scenarios about how life will be when you and her finally reunite. And now it's not looking too bright it's rather horrendous"

My plump lips stay in a pout before her fingers pull at my cheeks, rising them before lowering them and I begin to laugh like a silly child. I'm not sure why it was making my laughter hysterical but for that brief moment in time I was not thinking about Cheryl at all.

"What do you want to do today?"

I look down at my nails, it wasn't supposed to be a hint but Nicola rushes out of the room, quickly coming back in with a plastic pink basket full of nail polish.

"Why didn't you leave it in here? In my room? You barely touch your nails"

"I do so"

I cross my arms as her fingers begin to rummage through the thousands of polish, bottles clinging together at a rapid pace and I stand up, shuffling to the smooth white desk, pulling the drawer open.

"Don't go in there"

"Why?"

"You'll see something that will make you start up again"

I disobey as Nicola shrugs in her forest green v neck and my fingers scatter miscellaneous items around, bottles of glitter, little red and yellow plastic candy wrappers, and one of the numerous pair of socks I'm sure all of our feet have been in- this pair was burnt orange with gray stripes-it's horrendous really.

But I continue to look through all the knick knacks, nothing really that stands out for awhile until I see a photo stuck to the drawer face down. Almost like it's been glued down on purpose in here.

My fingernails dig under it, releasing it from its misery, flipping it over and sliding to the floor when I see who it is.

I pick it up, moving it closer to my face. Nicola is cautiously staring at me, bracing herself for a total break down.

I am laying on Cheryl's hips, mindlessly not paying attention to the camera she's pointing at and the flash illuminates how engulfed I was with looking at her. Cheryl was everything to me, I couldn't function without her in it. If she was sick from school one day, I would be climbing through her window with her favorite chocolate and cans of soup because I can't make soup.

But the enormous smile on my face was a direct result of hers and I can't imagine that the happiness I have right now is anything close to the happiness she gave to me.

"Well?" Nicola holds up a golden yellow bottle of nail polish, I place the picture back into the drawer.

"Let's do it downstairs, that way I can get nail polish on your furniture"

Her eyes roll into another universe but she packs up as we head downstairs and plop on the ivory linoleum floor where it all begins. First I watch as she struggles to paint them perfectly and then she finally shoves the brush into my hand.

"Nicola it's okay. You don't have to be great at everything"

"I am amazing at everything-"

"Except painting your little toes"

Her hand smacks my arm playfully as I begin to touch up on the horrific job she started.

"I'll find you one"

Nic begins another journey searching through the basket.

"See don't you feel better?"

"Tons" I smile just a little before a small laugh erupts between us.

I'm not to say, immediately out of my emotions, this was a distraction and it was working. I'm not sure where I would go from here, if I even wanted to see Cheryl. Again.

Of course I do. But what would I even say? What would she even say? This feels worse than when I was due to meet her back in Miami or when I left. This moment right now feels terrible. This is the dark part I think I've never experienced and all I had to do was visit my family again. Just pop in and say hi and lose someone I was holding onto by a thread anyway.

There's this thought that keeps running through my mind. Despite it all, of Cheryl said drop everything and run away with me I would totally do it.

"How about this one?" Looking up from Nic's last toe on her right foot, she holds up a nail polish that's pink with glitter in it and I bite on my bottom lip to keep the memories from flushing back to my system.

I cannot get a fucking break.

"No I don't-"

My phone actually plays this upbeat and happy tone and I pull it out of my jean shorts pocket. No texts or calls, just emails, tons of them. I must have accidentally switched this notification back on.

But the very first one at the top is from my agent, Jace.

Kimberley, long time no speaky because I am in Hawaii and you told me you would not call me and I want to know what size you wear so we can have matching Hawaiian shirts. No but seriously get back to me on that. Anyway I have some great news,

Something I know you'll enjoy. There is this movie offer for you, lead role in this action packed blockbuster. I attached the script and the basics, but it's surely something I know you want to do. It's been awhile since I made you stop acting so this could be amazing for you.

Plus, you'll be shooting on this campus in Connecticut for literally half of the movie so you can see your family back there. Sadly, you'll have to leave early from your trip there, come home to sign the contract then fly to Connecticut all within this week.

So ready to work again kid?

Looking up at Nicola, she shrugs.

"I have a movie to do and I have to leave-"

"Road trip"

"Sure I suppose"

It appears that I'm falling back Into the same routine. Before I made myself busy so I wouldn't junk about Cheryl and now I was doing it again. But this time I convince myself that I need it.