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Three ||15

Everything is quiet.

Like it should be in the middle of the night really.

Cheryl came back, with a new perspective as the two of us have talked. Nothing is resolved but we have a clearer understanding of each other. But Cheryl coming to Miami with new aspirations is worthy of a celebration and her first proper introduction to Brayden led to a night of bar hopping and many shots of vodka that has me in a numb state.

Finally I can just close my ey-

Actually no I can't.

I believe that the middle of the night is the time when my mind decides to open up and pull out everything I didn't want to think about.

So I roll out of the bed, Cheryl is still sound asleep on her stomach, light snores emitting from her and I grab my keys before I step out of the room.

We are working considerably slow on us. Her first day back with me she's drunk off of her ass so there has been no time to argue. But when Cheryl and I have had disagreements- they haven't been minor, in fact the very last one, a day before she had to leave to go to England when we were still in Connecticut, if we were in the right mind set, probably could've been the end of us.

"I don't think you understand-"

"Yes I do for the hundredth time. We're different we aren't who we used to be. I get it Cheryl. I really do. But I'm not sure how that keeps coming up"

Smacking my right hand on the palm of my left, Cheryl stands up from the forest green sofa and shoves her face in mine. An action that she used to do before to show me she wasn't afraid. If anything, I know Cheryl isn't weak and she wouldn't crumble from an argument.

"It keeps happening because we don't know how to interact anymore-"

"We're interacting right now-"

"Every other time we begin talking we begin to argue. There are things we don't like in each other that are there-"

"What's one thing you don't like about me?" I fold my arms as she restrains herself from grabbing my face to focus my attention on her.

"You like to leave-"

"Throw that in my face. I left. I apologize about that. You know how much it tore me up inside-"

"You like to leave when things don't go your way. Every disagreement we have had so far, you have left. You just leave before we can fix it and say that you're sorry but you're never fookin sorry"

Standing there, inhaling her Americanized English being cut through by her native Geordie accent, I do what she says and I turn around to start walking out.

"You're doing it now. What's wrong with you? Is it me?"

I continue walking out of the house, walking to my motorcycle and picking my black helmet from the side of it only to hold it before Cheryl ran out and stood in front of me.

"Tell me why you believe it's best to leave this confrontation. That idea is horrendous-"

"Because I don't like to look at you when you're sad. And I don't know how to fix it. Isn't it obvious by now that I'm fucked up. I don't know how to fix it."

"We can talk about it-"

"It's only going to make matters worse. Honestly"

I start the motorcycle, raising my hand to put the helmet on before she wraps her palms around my black long sleeved covered wrists.

"You can't run away from everything. And if you continue then there can never be a possibility of us-"

"Alright I guess I can't fix that"

Shuddering, I find myself kneeling on the floor and digging into the fridge. This fridge has been empty since I was eighteen but I do manage to find some strawberry yogurt.

God I'm such an idiot.

There's no way I can live with myself knowing that I am the deciding factor if there will be an us in the future.

The yogurt is awfully cold as it it should be but I continue to eat it, wishing that it was something hot. But I use this time to fix what's wrong with me. Better myself I say.

I have a serious problem.

Running away from my problems is not something I would say wasn't present before but it had not been so prominent in my life. So I'm the runner and Cheryl is the one with abandonment issues. That is something I don't like to see her because I created that.

Both of us have matured and involuntarily created lives that doesn't include each other. And that has created our behaviors and actions towards how we deal with things. Now that we're back together, it's simply hard to eliminate those traits.

"Babe?"

Looking up, I realize that I am laying on the black tiles that create my kitchen floor and Cheryl is standing in front of me very concerned.

"Yeah I'm just eating yogurt" I hold up the yogurt before she kneels down and places her hand on my forehead as if I have a fever.

"Are you sure you're fine?"

I nod as she takes my word and pulls down the pastel pink tee shirt she has on so that it touches her thighs and she disappears out of my sight, probably back upstairs.

What do I do to show her that I'm not going anywhere?

Literally my whole life has been about leaving. I left my mother when I was five. I left my father when I was fifteen. I left Cheryl when I was seventeen. I left multiple lives and I've never reflected upon it.

Because that's all I know and I'll probably do it again.

I stretch back out on the floor, staring into the darkness and finding only small amounts of moon light beaming in from the windows before I see her again.

"Why are you thinking so hard?"

Part of me wonders why she asks that but part of me remembers that she's still just a little drunk as am I.

"Because I want you to know that I would never leave you. And I'm not sure how many times I can show you that?"

Cheryl kneels down this time she has a mauve fleece blanket and instructs me to get up to where I follow her through my own house into the living room. It's nice to know that she won't invite me back to the bed but to the couch.

I sit down, Cheryl crawls closer to me, draping the fleece blanket on to me so it softly caresses my skin and leaning her head on to my shoulder.

"You're not"

"I just want you to know that I want you in my life forever, with me. You're the only person I've ever seen a future with. I can see us getting married and arguing over what to eat for dinner every day and discussing every day over a cup of coffee what our days were like. I take you to move premieres and you take me to sit in the studio to listen to you sing. But nowhere in that do I want to leave you ever-"

"Do you see kids because I want eight-"

Yikes.

"Maybe like three. Eight is a bit much don't you think?"

I look over at Cheryl and her heavy eyelids have gotten the best of her as she's asleep again.

"I guess what I mean is I love you. And I've never stopped and I never will. I just want you to know that the love I have for you won't allow me to leave you"