The Summer Job | g.d

41 • Confessions

41 • Confessions

My mother's face is falling off. Sinking into a deep sorrow. She didn't know and it wasn't her fault but I made it her fault. I forced this unknown issue onto her.

That is why I feel guilty.

The reason why I have felt guilty so often recently. Why I shouldn't have treated her the way I did. I was angry. Angry at the world.

And now I'm empty.

Standing in the middle of this expanding room. Hollow. I just poured my soul out and suddenly I realise how real this is.

How real this problem was.

I kept it hidden for so long. Dug deep inside of me and now that it's free I have no reason to hate. I have nothing to hate. No one to blame for me being a failure.

For me being fucked up.

I could see the hurt in my mother's eyes. And I wish I had kept it hidden. Not have opened this can of worms. It was more than just a statement said in angered argument.

It was a confession.

A dirty confession.

If only I had kept it locked away, where no one could touch it. Then it would only rot me from the inside and not infect the people around me.

The people I truly love.

My father stands there expressionless. Sinking into his own sorrow. Most likely unraveling the reasons that led him to do what he did to me so many years ago.

It was only on two occasions that it happened, that I remember. I was young. Maybe five or six.

I remember sitting on my bed. Playing with something. I can't remember what. He walked up to me. Like a father. I remember him just laying me down. Him laying next to me.

It wasn't long. It wasn't painful. He just rubbed me. It felt normal. But it didn't feel right. I couldn't do anything about it as I was riddled with fear. I just remember fear.

I just lay there. Five minutes later, he left. I remember laying there for a long time. Feeling alone. And scared. It happened again a week later. Very similar. And then it stopped.

I was never sure what to make of it. It slowly sunk to the back of my mind but then the incident with Matt happened. Losing my virginity.

I felt the same fear again and I remembered it. It haunted me for a while as I started to re live it. I knew it wasn't normal. Nothing about it was normal. It had never struck me before but I began to see my dad as a monster.

And his punishment would be me hating him. Hating everything he loved.

My mother's eyes are wet. Soaked at this point as she is slowly beginning to realise it's truth. My dad hasn't said anything. Not even rejected the claim.

"Is it true?" She bites her lip, holding back the tears.

I want to die. Watching this happen in front of me. My mother finding out exactly what I did. That my dad is a monster. I want to fall into myself. I feel hollow. Empty.

"Darren, answer me," she gets fanatic. Her voice wailing at a high pitched volume. I don't want to hear her like this. But I'm stuck. I can't move.

I did this to her. I have to watch it.

"Darren," she screeches. She runs up, punching his frozen body. He doesn't move. Doesn't flinch. My heart quickens watching my mother fall apart.

Her fists pounding on his chest but the punches just being deflected. She can do no real damage. Nothing equal to what has happened to me.