Hate is a strong word, but I still hate you.

Chapter fifteen, Ellen

*Rayne's POV*

After the party we all packed a small bag and went to sleep only to be woken by alarms ten minutes later.
Well, it wasn't ten minutes. We had to be up ridiculously early so we could drive to the Ellen show. Wyatt wasn't coming though. They still weren't public.
We threw our bags into the back of the car then sat down.
"Excited?" Taylor asked.
"Just hoping that this interview won't be as dull as our last."
"It's Ellen." She looked at me then started the car. "One time she scared me so bad I fell and bruised my knee. I duetted with Zac Efron once and for about a year she insisted that I went out with him."
"You must really love her then." I said sarcastically. Taylor laughed as she started up the car.
I plugged in one of my ear buds and played music from my iPod.
I thought of the song I performed for Taylor. I was hoping she'd show me to her producers or something, so far no luck.
I began to hum to the song, Tag, You're It by Melanie Martinez, and slowly added some words.
"What you singing?" Taylor asked.
"Tag, You It by Melanie Martinez."
"Who?"
"She was on the voice in 2012 and came about sixth. She wrote and released and album on YouTube. It's on Spotify too."
"Cool." She obviously still had no idea who I was on about. I switched off my iPod and flicked on the radio. We pulled up at a red light.
"Bad blood-" I quickly changed the channel. Not listening to that shit.
"Cooking pancakes for my boy, still up, still fresh as a daisy." This is way better. The chorus began as my phone vibrated.
"Hello." I held it to my ear.
"You're listening to 'This Is How We Do'?" They asked after a long pause.
"Yes."
"In front of Taylor?"
"Yes." I laughed a little.
"Brave, considering our history." I laughed again.
"What do you want?" I asked Katy.
"Fine, I'll go if you don't want to talk." She began to fake cry down the line.
"No. Why did you call though? Are you okay?"
"Where are you?" She was suddenly serious.
"I'm going to the Ellen show with Taylor."
"When will you be back?"
"One second ... Taylor, when will we get back?"
"Tomorrow maybe. About twelve."
"About twelve tomorrow." I told Katy.
"Shit." She whispered. I couldn't tell if she was crying or faking it still.
"What?" I asked.
"I'll tell you when you get back."
"You can't just leave me hanging." I didn't get a reply. She had hung up.
The song on the radio ended and the commentator began talking.
"Don't forget to vote for our competition.
"Our next song is Love Story by Taylor Swift as requested by Tina Shegfiu."
"We were both young when I first saw you." A tear rolled town Taylor's cheek.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, I was just remembering you singing this. It was amazing."
I began singing along.
"See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
   See you make your way through the crowd
   And say 'Hello'
   Little did I know."
   "That you were Romeo ..." Taylor began singing and we sang the song together. I hated it but it was a chance for her to notice my voice. I couldn't wait until I could leave. Finally get away from Taylor.
   As then song ended it faded into Black Magic by Little Mix. I turned it down gazed out of the window.
   "Nervous?" Taylor asked.
   "No." I wasn't really, about Ellen that is. Katy was a whole different story.

   When we arrived the sun had risen and we were both tired. We were shown to our dressing room then left alone.
   "Check the bathroom." Taylor whispered. She had given me a recount of every time she was on the Ellen show. Ellen scared her in the bathroom once and Taylor fell over, bruising her knee on the way down.
   I opened the door and looked inside. It was empty.
   "Taylor, it's empty."
   "Good." Taylor began to run towards the bathroom. "I needed a pee like an hour ago." She closed the door and I went and looked through my bag. Taylor had brought one of her smaller dresses for me to wear. It was black, yay, and came down to my knees. It was very loose though. I pulled on my boots and looked in the mirror.
   "Belt." Taylor said. I spun around and she was holding a belt. I wrapped it around my waist and the dress fit fine. I wanted to wear a pair of leggings but Taylor wouldn't let me. She changed into a red dress, that was loose-ish around the waist. She had black heeled boots on.
   A security guard escorted us to the stage and we waited in the wing.
   "You both go on together, okay." The guard said. Taylor nodded and he left.
   "Now let's hear it for our most loved guest and her mother, Rayne and Taylor Swift." The audience clapped and Taylor grabbed my hand before we stepped onto the stage. We shook hands with Ellen then sat down.
   "So, hi." Ellen said.
   "Hi Ellen." Taylor said.
   "Hello." I said, self conscious of my skinny legs.
   "How are you?" Ellen asked.
   "I'm good." Taylor said. 
   "You're looking a little big, are you pregnant again?" Ellen asked Taylor before I could say anything. Taylor laughed and shook her head.
   "It's all the cake she ate yesterday." I said snidely. Ellen laughed.
   "Yeah, because it was your birthday. Wasn't it?" Taylor nodded.
"When's your birthday Rayne?" Ellen asked.
"July thirty-first."
"How do you find living with Taylor? I know she can be a bit annoying sometimes." I laughed.
"Definitely. She smells and she gives me hugs. It's horrible." Ellen was laughing. "She even kisses me." I point to my forehead and Ellen laughs more. Taylor goes a deep shade of red and puts her head in her hands. "No, it's great really. We make cookies and we sing songs and I fell out of a tree which sprained her wrist." Shit! I'd said way too much. Taylor looked at me. "I'm so clumsy, I climbed about three branches then slipped. Taylor caught me, well, sort of. I landed on her." Ellen laughed an Taylor got even redder.
"I think we should stop, your mother's getting embarrassed." I laughed and Taylor looked up. A man dressed as a butterfly crept up behind her and grabbed her shoulder before running away.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!" Taylor screamed, turning to face him. Ellen was in hysterics. "Nine times Ellen, nine! It's not funny." Ellen had to wipe her eyes. I laughed a little but I didn't think it was that funny.
Taylor burped and clasped her hand to her mouth. She's been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes she couldn't keep the vomit down though.
"Excuse me." She said.
The interview moved along and we spoke about Taylor's ex's for a while. When the interview finished we were shown back to our dressing room where Taylor ran to the toilet and threw up. I held back her hair as it all came up.
"It was all that cake." I said. She laughed at me and washed her mouth out. She laid down on one of the two sofas and closed her eyes.
"Get a few hours sleep, we leave soon." I laid on the second sofa and was asleep in seconds.

When I woke up Taylor was standing over me.
"Come on. We have to go." I got up and brushed my hair and teeth. We got into the car and began the long drive home. I fell back to sleep after twenty minutes.

The car stopped and I woke up. Taylor's house loomed in front of me. I got out of the car and helped with the two bags. Once they were inside and I changed into leggings and a tee I said goodbye to Taylor and ran to Katy's.
I hammered on the door until she answered. Katy almost choked me with a hug then pulled me inside.
"Thank G-d your here."
"What happened."
"It's ... " she broke down. She curled up into a ball on the floor and cried. I wrapped my arms around her and tried to comfort her.
"It's okay. I'm here. Don't worry."
"It was John." She whispered. "And Russell."
"It's okay now." I said.
"They both did it Kitten ... Multiple times." She whispered.
"Then we should tell the cops."
"I wanted to but I couldn't do it by myself. Shannon is filming something and I'm stuck here."
"I'm here now." She pulled out of the hug.
"Rayne, I've done something stupid." At the top of her wrist were several long blisters.
I held Katy as she cried.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I couldn't help it."
"I've done it too." I told her. "It's okay. I can help." I felt her relaxing but she was still crying an hour later.
We moved to the sofa and she fiddled with her hair. She had given me the lighter she used and I cleaned it. She used a knife and heated it to press it against her skin. I put it away and looked at my wrist. The white lines were clearly visible on my skin. Katy traced the crosses and lines and I let her. I hadn't even realised she was in the kitchen.
"Why?" She asked.
"I was having a really bad day." I shrugged she ran her thumb across the scars.

Two hours later I'd told her the story behind each scar that I'd made. I showed her them too, considering they were only my on my arms, legs, and stomach.
"I did this when I was twelve. I wanted to prove to myself that I could still feel. That that would never change. So I cut myself. If it was part of me it would be a constant reminder that I was still real." I pulled up the hem of my leggings.
Katy ran her fingers over it.
I tugged my leggings down and Katy gave me a quick hug. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

Dinner's ready. -Taylor

"I have to go." I flashed Katy the message. "I'll be back as soon as possible.
I walked home, until I saw the paparazzi running upto me. I sprinted home and closed the door with a slam.
"What!" Taylor exclaimed from the kitchen.
"Are they gone?" I checked the peephole. "Thank goodness." There wasn't a person in sight.
"Are who gone?" Taylor asked.
"Paparazzi." I said, going to the kitchen and sitting down. She'd made a pea and mint soup. I sipped it slowly.
"Where's Wyatt?" I asked.
"Still asleep." She smiled and looked away.
"Taylor?" I asked. I could see the red creeping up her neck. "You didn't, did you?" She looked at me.
"Yes." She squeaked.
"You slept with him?" I asked disgusted. She bit her lip.
"Yes."
"That is disgusting." I said. I burst out laughing and Taylor gave a huge sigh of relief. She still hid her face in her hands and refused to look up at me for at least another ten minutes.