San Francisco

Chapter 5

I'm not really the type of person who curse. Everyone knows me as the sweet, demure, and pure Kathryn. I sometimes hear Daniel cursing. Mahilig magmura si Daniel. At hindi ko maitatanggi na isa 'yon sa mga bagay na hindi ko na maaalis sa kanya. But as much as possible, sinusubukan niya namang bawasan ang pagmumura niya para sa akin. Alam niya kasing hindi gano'n ang klase ng environment na kinalakihan ko.

I have never cursed. Siguro sa isip ko, oo. Pero verbally? Never. Well, let's just say that sometimes I mutter a few curses kapag nasa isang situation ako at nabigla ako. But I've never treated it as a hobby. At never pa rin akong nakamura ng tao. I even remember the scene I made with Tita Lorna in CBY where I need to say the word 'bullshit'. Nanibago ako dahil isisigaw ko 'yon sa harap ng maraming tao. But for the sake of my role, ginawa ko. I even practiced saying it inside my head para hindi ako mabulol o maibahan kapag sinabi ko na.

But at times like this, parang gustong-gusto kong magmura. At dahil wala naman akong masasagasaang tao, eh 'di gawin ko na. At minsan lang naman 'to.

Bullshit! Fuck! Shit! Putspa! Tanginis! Ang tanga ko! Ang sarap kong sabunutan! Bwisit! Nakakainis! Letse! Pucha! Why am I so stupid?!

Kahit nanghihina ako at gustong-gusto ko ng igalaw ang labi ko, ginawa ko pa rin ang dapat. I pushed him away from me and took a deep breath. Tumingin ako sa gawi niya kahit wala akong makita dahil sa dilim.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him sternly. I don't know if it came out mad. I just really need to show him that I'm mad and I didn't enjoy that kiss.

I heard him breathe deeply. He held my arms but he also let go of it. I saw a glimpse of his hand raising up as if pulling his hair out of frustration.

"I'm.." I felt him shaking his head several times. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kath. Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I just..." he paused. "I just missed you so much."

Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi tumingin sa gawi niya. Ilang sandali ang lumipas bago ko naisipang lumabas. Baka may makakita pa sa amin dito. It will surely create an issue.

"I need to go," tumalikod na ako at akmang lalabas na pero hinawakan niya ang siko ko.

I looked back. "Don't go," pakiusap niya. "We need to talk, Kath."

I took a deep breath before facing him. "I gave you a chance but you took it for granted," I told him.

This time, he held both of my arms. It's like he's trying to calm me down. Well, I am calmed down. If the animals roaring inside my stomach, the fast heartbeats, and the rapid breathing can be considered as calm, then I am definitely calmed down.

"Please. I'm sorry. Don't leave me," James pleaded. "I'm begging you, Kath."

His voice was desperate. He was desperate. It's one of the things I find irresistible in him. Well, actually James himself is irresistible. I want to tell him yes, that I absolutely love his invitation. Me not leaving him and us inside this dark room. But I just can't.

"I'm sorry," was the only thing I could say before exiting the room.

Nang makalabas ako ay narinig ko na ang ingay. At doon ko napag-isip-isip na para pala kaming nasa ibang mundo kanina ni James. It's like we shut down our worlds and we were in a different dimension. At least, for a moment, we had a chance to show our real feelings.

Naglalakad ako nang mapansin ko na ang ingay na naririnig ko ay nagmumula sa labas ng hallway na 'to. I peeked in one of the rooms and found it empty. Naglakad ulit ako at sumilip sa isa pang pinto. Wala ring tao. Ginawa ko 'yon sa mga sumunod pa na pintuan, pero wala.

Nasaan kaya sila?

Well, tapos na rin naman ako dito dahil nasabi ko na kay Direk ang pakay ko. Kailangan ko ng umuwi para maaga kaming makapunta kila Daniel mamaya. I just need to call my driver para sunduin ako dito.