Still Hurting

I

"I'm here again Mr. Upuan." I muttered to myself as I approached the familiar bench in my roof deck. New York has a lot of beautiful places, but this spot right here is my favorite. This spot where I poured out all my thoughts, my guilt, my regrets, my pain... This spot where there is no one around to judge me, where I can be myself, where there is no need to pretend that I'm ok.

I sat quietly, breathing in the cool breeze, watching the beautiful view of the city. Then tears, all the tears I've been keeping for months fell uncontrollably down my cheeks... The conversation I had with Yassi during dinner slowly ran through my mind...

                   Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
                   Jamie's decided it's time to move on

"So you told everyone that we are just going to have a big reunion? They don't know na kasal niyo pala bukas?" I asked Yassi who nodded in reply. "Galing talaga ng convincing powers niyo ni Andre."

"Not everyone - just our family and some of our friends. Tapos kayong mga close friends namin, my sister and si Kobe lang ang may alam sa pagtatanan namin."

"Oh? Sino pang iba ang may alam sa friends natin?"

She mentioned a lot of names, some I don't even know. Then she suddenly paused, "...at si James"

I gripped my fork tightly. I'm not sure if Yassi noticed.

"Oh," I managed to say... "He's also coming?" I did not dare look at Yassi. I don't want her to see the panic in my eyes.

I felt her hesitating, "He didn't send us his confirmation. I don't think he will come, to be honest. Andre said he's in London shooting for a movie."

Though relieved, I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed. I know I'm not yet ready to speak with him, but a little part of me wanted to at least see him...

"So how is he?" I asked without thinking.

Shit, Nadine! Why do you love to hurt yourself? Next time, learn to shut your stupid mouth.

"K-kasi," I said in a faint voice then I cleared my throat buy me time to compose myself.

"Wala na kasi akong balita tungkol sa kanya mula nung..." I heard my voice trail off, ending in a very soft whisper.

"Breakup niyo?" Yassi spoke the words I'm not able to speak.

I nodded as I gave her a convincing fake smile.

Though Yassi was eyeing me curiously, she still replied, "He's been very busy. Ang dami pa rin kasi ng mga projects niya. We've heard news na he's dating a non-showbiz girl. I saw pictures of her with him in various websites. She looks just like you..."

She paused and looked at me. She's probably waiting for me to give a reaction.

I pretended not to notice and continued to eat. Though deep down, my heart is breaking into pieces.

Perhaps realizing she wont get any reaction from me, she went on, "But when we asked him about her when we invited him over for dinner, he just laughed. He did not confirm nor deny the news."

That hit me hard. I'm finding it difficult to breath.

That is totally a James Reid move. He always keeps mum when asked about his personal life.

I let a couple of seconds slip by before I stood up.

"CR lang ako Yass." I mumbled.

"You okay, Nadz?

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I?" I lied. I immediately rushed to the ladies' room.

I felt my knees weaken the moment I closed the door. I reached out towards the sink for support.

He's moved on...

Yes, up to now, I'm still not over James. Regret and guilt still consume my whole being. I came to New York to forget and to move on... But I can't - no matter how hard I tried. I love James so much... I took him for granted... I broke him...

                    Jamie has new dreams he's building upon

It's 2 AM. I'm still lying here on my bed, wide-awake. I've been unlocking and locking my phone the whole night...

I know what's keeping me awake. I also know what can exterminate my uneasiness... I just don't have the courage to do it...

Nadine, utang ng loob. Gawin mo na. Para ka makatulog.

I decided to go for it.

I reached out again to get my phone. I'm aware that what I'm about to do will only hurt me... But after everything that happened during the day, I can't stand not knowing.

Masokista na pala ako ng hindi ko namamalayan...

I opened Instagram and logged into my old profile. My hand was slightly shaking as I clicked on the link to jaye.wolf's account.

I watched nervously as my phone started to load the photos.

The first photo is a picture of a new house.

jaye.wolf Dream house: Achieve!!! To God be the glory

"Babe, describe to me your dream house..." I remember asking James about three years ago.

"To be honest, I don't really care how my house looks like, babe. I just want a house, with you in it." He answered as he gently showered my face with small  kisses.

I smiled.

Those were the happy days...

The next photos were mostly promos for his next movie and endorsements. I skipped those and kept on scrolling until I saw what I was looking for.

It's a picture of him with his friends. They were on a vacation in Maldives. The girl posing between James and Bret caught my attention. She had her arm wrap around James' waist. James on the other hand was sporting a huge smile, his arm on her shoulder.

I zoomed in to look closely.

"She looks just like you..."

Yassi's voice echoed through my brain.

Then my eyes moved towards the comments:

"OMG! That's his new gf na ba? Bagay! Pak na pak!"

"So happy for you @jaye.wolf, at least you're happy now with your new gf."

"Si koya, move on na move on na, oh..."

"She looks like Nadine, tho... Parang nag-upgrade lang? Nagpagawa ng clone. :-)"

I slowly put my phone under my pillow as I sank back to bed.

I grabbed one of my pillows and hugged it real tight.

He's happy now... He's happy now...

I repeatedly told myself as I cry myself to sleep...

                   And I'm still hurting