Still Hurting

Epilogue

          Jamie is over and where can I turn?
          Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
          Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn

"Nadine, look at me..." he said quietly.

I raised my head and I looked at those beautiful brown eyes – those eyes that I love so much.

Suddenly, all these bottled up emotions that are locked up in my chest came bursting out.

"I'm so sorry, James... Please forgive me..." I managed to say. Putting my heartfelt remorse on every word I said.

Then he kissed both my hands and slowly put them on each side of his face.

His silent grief piercing right through me. I know right then and there that he was grieving... grieving for our unborn child. I sobbed harder than ever.

After a while, he pulled me up, making me stand. I can tell he's been looking at me again, but now, I don't have the courage to look back.

He started to put my hands around his neck and lifted my chin up. I'm trapped – I have no other excuse not to look at him.

I expected angry and vengeful eyes this time, but instead, tender and concerned eyes met mine.

This can't be right...

         But that wouldn't change the fact
         That wouldn't speed the time
         Once the foundation's cracked

He pulled me closer into a tight hug.

God knows how much I miss James. But I know this is just temporary. I'm pretty sure James will hate me after this – once he realize that I'm the biggest coward in the world. Yes, he's probably grieving or feel sorry for me that's why he's acting like this. But fuck it, I will hold on to this moment... I don't care... at least I have this memory... even if tomorrow he'll be gone and moving on...

          And I'm
          Still Hurting

But what happened next was beyond my imagination...

"Shhhh... It's gonna be ok. I'm here..."

He pulled away and started to cup my face. I just stared at him confused. Then without a word, he leaned closer and gave me the most tender and loving kiss.

God, I miss this!

"James..." I whispered when he pulled away from our kiss, "Why? Why are you doing this? You are supposed to hate me..."

"Never Nadine... I would never hate you. I love you... I still do... God, I still do..."

He hugged me again.

"But I hurt you, I took you for granted... We... We lost our baby because of me." I said in between sobs.

He gave me a quick kiss and caressed my face, "Nadine, never ever blame yourself for something that you did not do. What happened was an accident. It's something you cannot control.

Sure, it hurts losing a child, it was the worst pain ever. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's not yet time for us to be parents. But do not push people away, especially me. Don't ever think that you are alone in this world. Always remember that I'm always here... share with me your grief, failures and sadness as much as you want me to take part of your happiness and success. We're partners in crime remember? Walang iwanan."

I cupped his face with my hands and kissed him lovingly. With tears falling down my face, I choked, "God must love me very much that He gave me you... I did nothing to deserve you..."