Hearts Out

18th of January 2016.

Dad,

Happy birthday.

You are my childhood hero, most of my childhood days were spent with you rather then with mom. That's why I feel more closer to you than I did with mom. You made me so happy when I was a kid. You are the best dad anyone could ever asked for. Did you remember the time when Grandma was sick and we were all at the hospital visiting her because she was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit? And then came this bastard, he raced his motorcycle to the point where it made our ears hurt. And you remember what you did? You threw an apple towards that bastard's face and it fucking hit his face. I know he deserved it, he was disturbing the silence for the sick people. And since then I think more highly of you. You were like this amazing hero who helped sick people. You always like to help people. But who's going to save you from yourself? I once read a quote that says, "It's kind of like, you want to take care of everyone, but nobody wants to take care of you." At first, I thought of me when I came across that quote. But now, the more I think of it, it suits you more. And I want you to know this; I will always be here for you. I will and forever will always be here for you.

But, everytime I feel bad about myself, it was always because of you. You always say things that hurts my feelings, but you are also the one who heals it. Which is why the saying, "You know you really love someone when he is the one who made you happy, but he is also the one who made you sad and you did nothing about it." suits you more than the boy who broke my heart a year ago.

When you were sick two years ago, it really broke me heart. You won't go to the hospital until you become really sick mom had to admit you to the emergency section. It was in the middle of the night when that happened. And I was really worried. The next day, we went to visit you, and you were fine and so were you the next few days. And then one day, I was picked up really late from school. I kept thinking that something bad must have happened. Turns out, I was picked up late because she just returned from visiting you. And then that night I went to visit you along with my sisters. We reached the emergency ward, where you were placed few days before. But you weren't there. I was shocked. So we texted mom, and she said you were admitted to the Intensive Care Unit. Which means something's wrong. I was really scared because I don't want anything to happened to you. Hell, no child would ever wish to have something bad happen to their parents. So we went to the second floor, where the ICU was and guess what? It wasn't a surprise actually. My little brother was always the first one for everything. Even when you were sick he was the one who got to see you first in ICU. And that made me really mad and jealous. Why can't it be me this time? He doesn't even appreciate what you've done to him. All he did was complaint and complaint. That's all what he fucking know what to do. He fucking can't even say a simple "thanks dad" to you. And you still asked to see him first?! I was really mad at that but I act like I didn't care. For the next weeks you still aren't out of the ICU. Everytime I saw mom say something to you, it broke my heart more. She just wouldnt stop talking to you. She kept on trying. She pray and pray and pray. She wouldn't stop praying for you to get better. And it made me cry so much. I cried because she doesn't give up on you. I saw you being tied to the hospital's bed because you can't keep your hands off of the cords and everything. You kept on pulling it out of you, so the hospital decided it's better if you're tied. That made me become more sad. It's like, they treated you like you're some maniac. Don't they know your hands are hurting? Your mouth was so dry, you look so small. You look like you hadn't eaten at all for a very long time and that scares me all the time. Thinking of how you looked like when you were at the hospital. Mom's prayers must've been answered. Because after a few weeks you being at the ICU, the nurses moved you to another room. Mom never went home from the hospital since you got admitted. She stayed with you until one day, I was asked to take care of you becase she wants to clean herself. I was left along with my sister and my little brother. Something you said made me happy. So fucking happy, to be honest. You said, "Who is this kid?" while pointing to your youngest son. I know I shouldn't be so happy about you forgetting your own son but I won't deny that I am happy. And that was the first thing you said since you woke up that day. It made up to the time when you asked to see him first when you got in to the ICU.

I don't know where I'm going with what I've said but I love you Dad. I really do. And I wish for you to stay healthy because your health matters most to me. And once again, happy birthday. I love you. So much.

________________________

I'm really sorry if you don't understand what I've said, because most of the time I didn't know what the hell I'm saying and I know I don't make any sense at all but I hope someone out there understand what I said because living in a world where nobody understands you is just so fucking frustrating. It made you feel so suffocated and you feel like you want to kill yourself. Believe me, I know.