Torn Apart

Rain

Lux dried her hair with a large white bath towel as she sat on the edge of her bed. She wanted to hide her face in shame...shame at the scene she'd just created for herself. She had kissed Ben...without even thinking about it, she'd leaned in and kissed him. Something she had wanted to do for years but never had the opportunity. And he'd kissed her back and just for a brief second all was right with the world. Until he'd pushed her away and told her they could never be together. Damn she was an idiot.

She leaned back on her bed and tossed the towel on the floor. How was she ever going to get over such a screw up? She had just ruined her friendship with her best friend and in a week or so, he'd be leaving to train as a Jedi. And she'd be stuck here on Naboo. What a miserable thought.

"Hey," she heard Ben's voice and for just a brief second she thought she was imagining it. She opened her eyes to find him standing near the window to her room. 

She noticed the sadness in his eyes. There were tears there, tears that could fall as fast as rain if he allowed them. "What are you doing here, Ben?"

He opened his mouth but no words came out. She wanted to stand and comfort him but she owed it to him to keep her hands to herself. "I didn't know where else to go," he began miserably.

"So you're wandering around the palace?" she asked "I guess it's better than wandering around in the rain."

He glanced out of the window and then back at her. "It's not raining."

"Yet," she added "Trust me, it will. It always rains when I cry."

He smiled half heartedly "So you've got magic powers now too?"

She shrugged. "Not anything as cool as reading minds but...well...you know."

"Reading minds isn't always as cool as it seems," he offered sitting next to her on the bed. He clasped his hands together.

She studied him for a moment, looking at his beautiful face as he looked in front of him. He was a mystery, an enigma. It was so unfair, he could read her mind but she could only guess what was going on with him.

"I'm sorry, Ben...about tonight. I mean, I'm not sorry but I am because I don't want things to change between us."

He turned to look at her, his brown eyes searching hers. Somehow she could occasionally mask what she was thinking...not often but just occasionally...this was one of those times. "You don't have to be sorry, Lux," he said in sad voice. "but things are going to change between us."

"Why?" she asked softly, tears forming in her green eyes.

He cleared his throat as if he was choking on his words. "Because...I'm leaving. Tonight."

The moment he blurted those words, she felt as if her heart stopped. Leaving?  He had come to say goodbye. This was their farewell, the end to a love story that wasn't even a love story. At least not to him.

She wasn't sure what to feel. Sad. Angry. Worried. She felt all three. She didn't want Ben to see the emotion painted on her face so she stood up and walked across the room toward her dresser. She began to re-arrange the pictures and knick knacks on top. "Where are you going? With Luke?"

"Yes," he said 

"Why?" she said trying to keep her voice even but it cracked a bit. "When?"

"Tonight."

"I thought we had more time."

"No, we're leaving. Right now."

"Right now?" she spun around, unable to hide her reaction to that. "Right now?" Keep the tears inside, she told herself. You can cry when he's gone.

"I managed to convince Luke that it was a good idea that we went now. So we can start our...training."

"What about Daen? And your parents? "

"I already told Daen. He understands. He has a commitment to the cause too. And my parents...my mother knows and my father...he's not even on the planet so it probably doesn't even matter to him," he sulked.

She shook her head as she walked toward him. "That's not true Ben. Your father loves you."

He stood quickly, anger clear in his stance."Loves me so much that he left...he flew away with Chewy the second my mother decided that it was okay for me to be a Jedi. It's like he doesn't want me to realize my potential."

"Ben," she said in a soothing voice, taking a step toward him. Before she could speak again, he closed the space between them and silenced her when his lips met hers. She was stunned at first but after a few seconds, she returned the kiss. If it was possible, it was even better than before. It was gentle...soft but insistent, slow but exhilarating. She smoothed her hands up his chest as her placed his at the small of her back and pressed her closer to him. The warmth of his body seeped into her and once again, all she wanted to do was be closer. There was no such thing as being close enough to Ben.

His lips caressed hers for only a few moments longers. Then, he slowly pulled away and pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm sorry, Lux."

She shook her head. "Don't be." There were many things Ben could apologize but Lux realized his kisses would never be on that list. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.

"Don't go, Ben," she said quickly.

"I have to."

"But I don't want you to," she felt a tear leak out of her eye and spill down her cheek.

"I can't stay," he said.

"Because of Luke?" she asked.

"No, not because of Luke. Because of me. I can't stay here...my parents...my mother wants me to go. My father doesn't even care. I don't have anything to stay for."

She felt as if she would choke. "Well...what about...." Me, she thought. What about me? He could deny it all he wanted but she knew he felt something for her. But he had a greater purpose. Everyone recognized that. It was her job to let him go. "Okay Ben," she said forcing herself to pull away from him. She released her arms around him and he released her. "Okay well...then you better go now. Before the rain starts."

"Right," he said in rough voice and he let out a heavy breath. He seemed reluctant to leave but still very determined as he walked toward the door.

"Ben?"

Their eyes met one last time.

"Will you be careful?" she practically whispered. She didn't want him to leave, but more so than that, she didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

""Probably not," he smirked.

She sighed, unable to suppress a smile smile. "Goodbye Ben," she said, her expression changing, her jaw quivered as she spoke the words and fought to keep the tears inside.

"I'll see you soon," he said.

Soon, she thought. For some reason, she suspected that was a lie. She knew she'd never see Ben Solo again. Just the thought made the tears stream harder. 

Watching walk away was one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do and as soon as he disappeared from her sight, she saw the first droplets hit her window.