Taken By Sleep

the silence

There Tyler sat. . . in the same corner of the same room for the past three days. It's been three days. Three miserable days since Josh's death was announced and Tyler couldn't handle it.

Just the very thought that his one and only friend Josh Dun was gone. He'd never hear from him again, do lame interviews with him, or see his warm and glowing smile after those long and hard days anymore. He was gone and nothing was going to change that. He is nothing more than a memory now. A good memory. A memory that Tyler did not want to forget, lose, or even regret.

The worst part of it all was that Tyler was sitting around feeling like it was his fault. His fault that Josh was sad, his fault Josh considered suicide, and his fault that Josh did commit suicide. Tyler could never forgive himself, nor would he ever want to. All he can think about now is how he should have been there when he had the chance. Now times passed and he can't undo what's already been done. He knew his friend was in pain, but so was Tyler himself.

You see just like anyone else Tyler has demons and sometimes they consumed him. His very small and innocent figure, consumed by all of these bad thoughts only to tear him apart with every thought that came to his mind. He lost track of Josh. . . something he will regret for the rest of his life.

Josh also had demons. The same ones as Tyler. He was just better at hiding them. He played it low as if nothing was on his mind. As if nothing was bothering him. He wasn't one to put himself before others. He was humble and sweet, yet funny and serious all at the same time. He knew about Tyler's demons. Which is exactly why he came to Tyler for help in the first place.

He didn't want to worry his friend knowing that Tyler was very unsteady himself and could crack at any moment. Josh had witnessed that before. He had watched as Tyler had anxiety attacks and fell into what can only be known as depression to others around him, but felt like a prison to Tyler. A prison in which he was trapped in his own mind. So Josh bottled up all of his emotions, even the ones he felt of love for Tyler. Josh knew he should never tell Tyler about his problems, but, most of all he knew he could never let Tyler what he felt for him. But things change, and some emotions are very hard to keep bottled up inside. As if his emotions were a volcano and his love for tyler was the lava falling out of him, he just couldn't hold it all in.

When Tyler found out that Josh had committed suicide he was in denial about it all. As any normal person would think this day in age, Tyler had only thought it was a joke. Once reality had set in though, he knew. He didn't want to believe that his once very happy and loving drummer friend could ever be so sad. But when his longtime friend Mark told him, he knew right then and there that it was not a denial matter. Josh was indeed gone.

It was then that Tyler started to blame himself for various reasons. Josh loved Tyler. Like really loved Tyler, and the day Josh told Tyler he laughed. He thought it was just one of Josh's jokes. That he was just joking around like they do everyday. Little did he know that to Josh it truly was not a joke. Tyler blamed himself for the way he had been acting those past few days before Josh had killed himself as well. Tyler had been quiet and kept to himself unless he had to be social. What Tyler had neglected to notice was that while he was battling his own depression, Josh was being swallowed whole by his.

As time went on Tyler realized that Josh wasn't joking. He began to pay attention to the little things like how Josh would look at him with aw as to when he looked at others. How Josh was always so protective of Tyler. Or sometimes it would be smaller than the small things. Like how Josh would always sit right by Tyler during interviews and even when they were just at home despite the fact that there was so much room right on the other side of the couch. He way Josh had always asked Tyler how his day had been after shows. Or the way Josh would smile at Tyler a little longer then when he'd smile at anyone else. Tyler couldn't believe he had been so blind.

The thing is, Tyler didn't feel the same. He loved Josh deeply just. . . in a different way. Tyler has known Josh for the longest time. He was nothing but Tyler's one a only friend. Josh was and always has been Tyler's friend, his best friend at that. Practically brothers in Tyler's eyes. They had been friends since preschool and Tyler had never realized or thought that Josh was too close or different around him. How could he had been so blind.

Tyler had feelings for Mark's friend Jenna Black, and Josh was ohhh so jealous for her. He envied her/them very strongly. For when he looked at them he saw something he couldn't have. Something he couldn't feel. All Josh could think was that he wished he had had the right parts to be loved by his band mate. However, he knew Tyler loved her and that Tyler just didn't feel the same towards him so yet again he bottled everything up only for it to soon all come crashing down around them both.

The day Tyler proposed to Jenna was the day Josh had lost it. He couldn't take it anymore. He knew that Tyler proposing to Jenna meant that he would lose his beloved friend. He would no longer have Tyler to himself in the way that he could. All of his attention would be on Jenna. He thought to himself very often "If Tyler's happy then it'll be okay. Anything to see him smile." but that all turned fading away that day. Something inside him had snapped. . . something that could only be fixed by Tyler's understanding voice, but he knew better then to call Tyler into this. Tyler would only stop him. After all Josh has never told anyone besides Tyler about his feelings for him. To anyone else it was oblivious. . . or so he hoped.

Of course Josh couldn't just leave without a goodbye. He couldn't leave without one last 'I love you' too Tyler, but he also had a lot of things that he wanted and so desired to say. Things he could never bring himself to say in person or even in a note, but if today was going to be the last time Josh saw Tyler he had to say everything.

"On that day the world had lost one of the most amazing people to ever walk on this earth. He was loving, full of life, humble, understanding, happy, but just like anyone else he had his limits."

There Tyler say in the same corner of the same room for the past three days. Sobbing and clutching ever so tightly to the last thing Josh left him. A note to which Josh poured his heart into in hopes that it would give him so kind of closer.

"My Dear Tyler,

I always thought there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know? And when you found that person the rest of the world just kind of magically fades away and the two of you would just be inside this protective bubble.

In a relationship the little things are the big things.

Love cannot be found where it doesn't exist, nor can it be hidden where it does. There are millions of people out there, but in the end it all comes down to one. You were my one in a million.

Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies.

Death cannot stop love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Love is passion, someone you can't live without.

Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

I love you Tyler Joseph, hold on to that."

He'd read and reread the note over and over more than enough times. But it broke him a little more each time he read it then the last. It was times like this where quiet was truly violent, and Tyler couldn't help but laugh at the irony in that. All he wanted was for someone or something to bring Josh back. That's all he truly wanted.

He spent hours on end trying to decide what he'd say to his friend if he ever saw him again. It was too late. . . Josh had left Tyler, Mark, his family, and the fans.

Out of everyone now that Tyler was worried about it was the fans. Tyler knew that their fans were just as stable as he was. He didn't want any of them leaving him just as Josh did all of them. He would send out little tweets here and there just to see how they were all doing.

He wanted to stay strong for them, for Jenna, Mark, the fans. He wanted to stay strong but he knew that eventually this would break him just as everything else had. Out of everything Tyler has fought in the past and even now he was afraid that this fight he would lose.