They Don't Believe In Us (frerard)

36- The Day Gerard Way Wasn't Ready to Have Two Meaningful Conversations

Gerard's POV

I said my friends wouldn't follow me when I stormed out of Pete's house. And I was right, they didn't. What they did do, though, was constantly text me and call me. All of which I ignored. I got to the point of anger and, with how intense my emotions were right now, almost threw my phone in anguish. I thought better of that, though, knowing my mom would not be happy to hear she'd have to pay to get me a new one, so I settled with sighing and turning it off.

Once I did that, I felt an immense weight lift from my shoulders, like I could breathe normally again. But, of fucking course with my luck, that all came back full force when I remember what exactly I was trying to "run away" from. Tears immediately form once again on my face and are spilling before I'm aware of it.

"Fuck!" I shout out into the quiet, warmer spring air of March, before collapsing onto my knees, letting the strap from my duffel bag fall off my shoulder, and weeping stressfully into my hands. "I've fucked up, I've been fucking up why the fuck do I keep fucking up?" I gnarl into the darkness my hands have provided. My breathing becomes erratic and it becomes harder for me to breathe, but I don't care. I let it happen, feeling I deserve it. I don't know how long I sat like that, but it was long enough to dry up my tears and calm down, and it definitely gave me enough time to think things through.

I've got to cut off Bert. If he weren't in the picture, none of this shit would've happened. I wouldn't be doubting the first, and who I had wanted to remain my only, person to help me find happiness through love.

Hah, you idiot.

Why would you think that? Frank Iero is your teacher. You seem to forget that fact, you bumbling imbecile. Why the fuck would there be a chance? The age gap isn't the problem, there are couple with farther years between them, it's the whole educational trainer portion of our relationship aspect.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I exclaim, hitting my forehead with my hand with every proclamation. Then I'm hit with a revelation. Not only do I have to cut ties with Bert, but... I...

I have to end it with Fra- Mr. Iero. At the least, spend some time apart so I can further clear my head. What else am I supposed to do? There's no doubt I'll mess everything up again if I stay in this relationship.

But you love him.

My heart tugs painfully when I think those words. Of course I love him. There's no doubt about that. His beautiful face, his angelic voice, and everlasting caring and support. Who the fuck wouldn't want that? I'm lucky.

But that's just the thing. I may be lucky to have him... but... he sure isn't lucky to have me. I've wronged, kept it in, and didn't take action to stop the wrong when it first started. And he's oblivious. To all of it. All he knows is that Bert has kissed me. But to add onto that, he only thinks it's happened once. This makes me start crying... again.

My sweet angel, I don't deserve him. He can do so much better than disgusting, cheating, lying little ol' me. I hate myself.

"That's it. I- I'm dumping him," I control my breathing and take time until I'm sure I'm able to stand up again, and grab my duffel bag and start taking myself the rest of the way home. "tomorrow."

I'll sort out what's happened between Bert and I after that.

-

I thankfully made sure my friends knew I was okay, through Mikey, though, after he got home. ...And after I got an upset speech from him about how disappointed he was in me. Then I broke it to him, what I plan to do. And as much as I could tell how upset he was about it, he agreed that it was the best thing to do. Before going to bed that night, he offered his help for my problems involving Bert if I needed it.