Sign Your Name Across My Heart

Chapter one

We arrived at a one bedroom condo half past ten. I felt out of place and overwhelmed immediately. I'm quiet, I like a glass of champagne at home with a friend or two, at most - and I like being quiet. It keeps me out of trouble. I've never had the urge to strike up a conversation with anyone or join in on existing conversations in a group of people.

Though, sometimes I do wonder what it's like to be more like my friend Ivy. Bold, confident, loud. Whenever she walks into the room, everyone instantly knows she's arrived. Some may say that's just because she has a big mouth, but I like to think it's because she has a big personality. She does have a big mouth as well but that's what I love about her.

I follow alongside Ivy, looking around the living room, many strangers partying, enjoying themselves. I wish I could be like them, but I would need five shots of tequila to get to that point.

I watch a man approach Ivy with a big smile on his face. He spotted her from across the room. He has to speak loudly over the rap music blasting. "Hey, Ivy, I'm happy to see you. And you brought along..?" The man looks me up and down quickly, trying to identify me if he can, before looking back to Ivy. He doesn't know who I am, of course. Nobody knows who I am.

"My friend Libby," She casually says to him as she places her hand on his hip. She seems quite friendly with him. He nods his head slowly and wraps one arm over her shoulders. As he scopes around what seems to be his home, soaking in how much of a success his party is and how much fun everybody is having except for me, I take this time to lean in and whisper in Ivy's ear.

"I don't want to be here."

Ivy looks at me and sighs. "Well, we're already here, so... Just go and get a drink... Talk to somebody, I don't know." She shrugs her shoulders before putting her full attention on the man who approached her.

I was hoping she wasn't going to do this to me, but she always does. She begs and pleads and when I finally agree, she drags me along to these parties that she knows I don't want to go to, just to ditch me half way through the night. Tonight is no exception as it seems like she's already abandoned me fourty-five seconds into the night instead of the usual fifteen minutes. I knew I shouldn't have come. The only reason I agreed to coming was because I've already said no to her the last four times she's asked me. Saying no to Ivy too many times has sparked uncomfortable situations between us. She'll get pissy or angry with me and avoid me for a couple days until I eventually give in and apologize for not spending enough time with her.

I wasn't necessarily expecting Ivy to say goodbye to this guy and walk out with me and bring me home - she would never do that, but part of me still wishes she would.

All I have to do is come out of my shell, but that's hard when your shell's been the place that you've lived for all nineteen years of your life.

Ivy walks away with the unidentified man, still with his arm draped over her shoulder, as they laugh and she giggles, flirting with him.

I can just leave, I think to myself. I should pull open that door, walk back downstairs and call a taxi, get home to my place and fall asleep in my warm bed. She wouldn't know.

I turn and head towards the door, hesitating. I then think, what if she gets really drunk and something bad happens? I can't do that to her. I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened. I sigh to myself and turn back around, hoping nobody saw that. I glanced around awkwardly, making sure no one was looking at me. Nobody was.

I decide to walk forward, squeezing through a clump of drunk, sweaty people dancing. With no specific destination, I keep walking down the hallway, secretly observing everybody. I see how much fun everyone is having, I feel like I'm the only one here that wants to scream and run and hide away. I feel my anxiety growing stronger and my heart starts to race. I scan the hallway, looking for an escape, a bathroom maybe, and I rush to a closed door at the end of the hall.