Seventeen Years of Despondency

Final Departure

Today is my funeral. If I had've had the chance to write a will, I would have explicitly included not to follow my death with the social gathering known as a funeral, but that's sort of hard to write while driving a car flying at over a hundred miles per hour, isn't it?

Dad organised it to take place at the local cemetery which also happened to be the place where Gemma and Jessie were buried. My tombstone was only a few away from Jessie's which was comforting to know that our bodies will be buried relatively close together for the duration of eternity.

He looked so handsome in his black suit with his black tie. The only thing that I didn't admire about his appearance was the way his eyes looked. If only he knew how I really felt about my heart not beating any longer, would he maybe be smiling, knowing that I'm happier. They don't even know that it was a suicide. The hospital staff just told my family that I was in a horrible accident, but he knows. He knows the way my head works and that it was no accident I chose not to take my foot off the accelerator.

All dressed in black attire, standing around my closed coffin as the priest reads out an unsolicited speech about the life I did not live. It was not about the time I spent indoors for a majority of my time on this planet, or including the periods I spent hidden away in the sheets of my bed. His words were leaning towards the bogus version that others who did not know me, perceived in their minds.

"Astrid was loved by all," He lied.

"She did what ever she could to help those around her." He lied again, making my true self sound as selfish as I really am.

This went on for a monotonous while, before the boy who's legs lanked over the sides of the chair was called to the stage.

"And now a few words from Astrid's close friend, Quentin Black."

He steps up out of his chair and pulls himself together to confront the crowd beside my coffin.

"For you," he whispers to me as he places a neatly folded note under the bouquet upon my deathbed. "And not that it matters," he turns to the audience, "but I was her boyfriend."

He looks over at my Dad who is seated beside my Aunty Carol, Kevin's mom, squeezing her hand in return. He then looks around at the insignificant faces that never really played a terribly important roll in my life, just the distant family members who sent birthday and Christmas presents occasionally, before looking at his sisters big blue eyes. She nods her head as he takes in a deep breath and begins to speak.

"To be perfectly honest with you all, I haven't actually prepared a speech, so I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind about the real Astrid Innes that I knew; the beautiful girl that I fell in love with. I'm not talking about some unfamiliar member of the family that you pictured in your mind as you wished to. I'm talking about the girl that only if you got close enough to her heart, would you truly understand her ways and recognise every, little, thing she did. I want to start by saying a few things that speak to her character. She was smart, loving, creative, and oh, so beautiful; pretty much all the good words I can think of apply to her. Her smile, although rare, could light up a street drowned in darkness, and her laugh alone, was enough to brighten my entire day. She brought true happiness to my life, a time that I will never forget, and she was my first love, correction; is, and will continue to be for the rest of eternity. The best dreams are the ones with her in it, and the  worst are the ones without. And you're right," he says, looking over to the priest, "She was loved by all. All that deserved to love her, and all that she deserved to love. But nothing was too good for my Astrid, and not a day will go by that I wont wake up wishing to see the ocean in her eyes. So may her soul live on forever in our warm hearts. We love you Astrid," he finishes with a broken smile. "but I love you most." He whispers to himself, smiling at his conclusion.

Hearing his eulogy brang a hint of warmth to my heart for a second, almost feeling human. I could just sit here and watch him for the rest of my time as a purgatorial shadow, watching him sweep his platinum hair over his head with his fingers and smiling that crooked smile, but I feel the need to leave this all behind and go on to the other side. Siting here for any longer isn't the reason why I offed myself. I came here to disappear from everyone and everything. I came here because I lost, and I did not become a victor.

Life's a game written by the victors in history's books, that's why good always triumphs over evil because they don't want to look like the bad guys. When in reality we all have a little bad in us, we just don't want to admit it. No one is pure or not guilty of something and not one of us dies a virgin, because life fucks us all over.

But I lost this game, and this is me admitting I'm not a victor, but I'm also not the enemy. I suppose I'm just a victim, to life and every other catastrophe that's crossed my path in my 17 years of existence. And I know some people believe in re-incarnation and all that shit, but no one is born the same person twice, so this time I say farewell for good. I'm free. No more emotions, no more constant despondency. Just Liberty. I'm finally free.

Game over.

I lose.