Seventeen Years of Despondency

For you, Astrid

Dear Astrid,

I know its a bit late, but this is my apology letter. I know if you could read this, you would be telling me its not my fault, but I cant help but to feel remotely guilty for the catastrophe that caused the end of your precious existence. I don't care what the doctors say, you did not die in a stupid car crash. The great Astrid Innes does not simply die in a car accident, because you will forever live on in my mind as long as the blood is still flowing through my veins and my heart is still beating, and even then. If you were to die the right way, it wouldn't be in a self inflicted suicide crash (yes, I know), because people like you deserve the best of everything, even a cause of death, and by people like you, I mean the ones that change other's lives for the better, make them see the world differently as it really is, and let them experience things that almost feel too good to be true.

The day that you drove that car into a tree, I came by your house, and little did I know that you also came by mine. I don't see how this was gods plan for us, to be without our better halves, but I hate it, I hate that your gone and I hate that it's all my fault. (Sorry about that tear on the page right there, I just really really miss you). I feel like maybe if I had've drove past you, we would have stopped cars and looked into each others eyes and had a fairy tale ending, not half a Romeo & Juliet ending. I guess maybe you shouldn't have promised to Miss Hinton that you could find a love story like Romeo & Juliet because you didn't think of how it would end. But I can't blame it on that, I cant blame loosing you to a stupid promise because you're more than that, you're everything I know and more. Maybe if I just tried harder to resist hurting you and stayed. Maybe I should have gone to rehab sooner instead of those 3 months I spent away while you were getting worse. I tried to push it away, I even tried lying that I didn't love you, but that was the biggest mistake of my life, and its only now that I see it. Now that it's too late.

So maybe if you were here, standing next to me, would you take my hand and accept my apology? I know I wouldn't if I were you because you deserve the world, and the best I can do is show it to you. Would you take me back with a handful of Lilly's and sweet liquorice kiss? would you let me back into your heart with the promise from my lips that I will never lie to you again?

If so, let me know when I join you soon. Very, soon.

Love,

Quentin.