Don't Make This Easy

18: What Do I Do?

Mikey POV

It's been a couple of weeks after the hospital incident. And ever since then we haven't spoken a word to each other, nor have we seen each other.

This was the longest time that I haven't spoken to her. Even when Cat and I started dating, the longest we'd go without having a conversation would be one day.

I don't know why, but there's the empty feeling in my chest. Where my heart should be.

After the argument with her and Cat left, I spent the rest of the night crying because I was trying to fix whatever I could with her. But nothing I thought of worked.

Not even writing her a letter, a phone call, seeing her at school. She pretty much disappeared from me and it just hurts.

I talked to the guys, because they know what happened and they know the 2 of us more than everyone else. And they couldn't even do anything about it.

That Toby guy is still around, but apparently after one date she vowed never to do that again. According to Jade that is.

Jade told me that she's okay, but she's seemed distant and doesn't seem to talk as much as she used to.

Your fault you fucking moron.

I really don't need that right now.

...

I need to change something.

I need to change a lot of things. About myself. About who I am and whatever the fuck I did.

...

I miss her so much. I miss having that person to talk to. I got word that my mom is getting tested for colon cancer. But I don't have the money to see her.

I didn't tell Cat because I didn't need everyone knowing.

I was going to tell Jasey the day of the accident. But she met that douche bag and everything went to shit.

It hurts not having her.

I haven't eaten or slept since that happened. I just wanted to end it all.

What am I without her?

...

Nothing. I'm just a piece of shit and I'm worth less than a piece of shit.

I've already OD'd a couple times, and I've woken up in the hospital hoping she would be there.

God I miss her.

That smile that just lit up everything in my darkest moments. That voice that made my heart leap and soar way higher than any drug or spaceship. Those eyes that just pierced me and made me confess all the things that were wrong, but were still soft enough to console me and keep me sane and calm. Those hugs that she gave me when she knew I wasn't alright, and I just melt in her arms because it was the only place that I had felt completely safe.

I here shuffling followed by a moan and some footsteps.

I had been staying at Cat's house because I just couldn't be at home because I don't know what would happen if I saw her.

I hadn't been home since the accident and the boys were grabbing my clothes for me.

"Hey," She said sleepily, "Is everything ok? I heard a strangled noise and a guitar and I got worried that you had OD'd again."

I shook my head and carried on with what I was working on.

"Mikey, talk to me. Please." she urged, sitting next to me.