Diary Of A Teenage Player

Thurs January 14, 2016

What I don't understand is how at school I can forget my pain and push it aside but when I get home I'm right back to where I started. On the bus, I lay in Dixie's lap and just look up wondering how she could could want to spend the rest of her life with such a fool like me. So I finally asked...

Me: Why would you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone like me?

Dixie: Because I love you

Me: I love you too babe

Then my mind remembered Callies answer and the minute I got off the bus and in my room my knees hit the floor and I found myself bauling my eyes out. It seems to be the only thing I can do here lately but what I don't understand is why...all I ask myself is why. Why did I let her get so close? Why did I have to keep chasing her? Why didn't I let her walk away the first time? Why am I putting myself through this torture? Why can't I just tell her how I feel? Why can't I hate her? Why must she be the one key to my heart? Why do I want so badly to just drive to her house and beg her to just listen to me? What would I say if I actually drove to her house? What should I do?

Then my heart begins to answer every question I asked myself:

°You let her get so close because she's the one thing that has ever truly made you happy

°You kept chasing her because even though you knew you couldn't give her what she deserved you told yourself that you would spend the rest of your life trying to be the girl she needed you to be

°You didn't let her walk away the first time because for the first time in your life you fell in love. For the first time in your life you was HAPPY. A foreign emotion to you and you finally felt it.

°Your putting yourself through this torture because you love her and you know she's with him so your trying to respect that.

°You can't tell her how you feel because your scared she may not feel the same about you anymore. You don't tell her how you feel because your scared if you get her back you'll be right back to where you are now. But mostly because your a pussy who hates taking a chance

°You can't hate her because no matter what you told her you'd always want and love her

°You wanna drive to her house an beg her back because you know that if you truly tried that you could be the person she deserves. You know that somewhere deep inside her she knows you can be the person she fell for.

°You would say that your an asshole and that you should've never tried to change her. You would say that you love her for exactly who she is and that you would do ANYTHING of she'd just try to love you again. You'd try every single day if she'd just give you one more chance.

° Take a fucking chance!!! Tell her how you feel and leave it at that. If she feels the same she'll give you a chance and don't you dare do anything to fuck it up and make her regret it but if she tells you that she doesn't care anymore then continue your life and try your best to forget her.

My heart is one cruel bastard -.- But in all honesty it tends to get me through anything and everything. So that's why I listen to it.