Walking Past Him

Delicately Drowning

Fire fire everywhere,
no one to save.
What happens when someone burns?
Who will save her?
Who is so brave?
Ash ash everywhere,
Because his love burnt her within
Will she lose? Or will she win?

And she lost. I lost. What about him? He never came. So what will happen when that small spark of his burnt me completely? What will happen when only ash is left behind? It needs to be crimated. The fire needs to be extinguished. But how? By drowning.

Do not get me wrong, I waited. I waited for him to come, for the whistle to blow again, for those breathes to fan my ears again, for those words to tease me again, for those eyes to recognise me again. I waited for those hands to draw for me again. I waited till the fire burnt me completely. I waited till I lost all hope. I waited till my heart could survive.

And now what? Time to die. Time to drown. Why? Because I lost all hope. I lost myself to him. I lost my battle of love. I lost my life to him. I lost everything I ever had.

And my mind, it is a mess. A mess of questions. A mess of why's and how's. A mess of reasons as to what I did wrong. A mess of dreadful thoughts. A mess of ten thousand ways to punish myself. A mess of hundred ways to kill myself.

And it is okay. It is okay to let go. It is okay to punish myself for hurting me so much. It is my fault that I never could protect myself. It is my fault that I lost him. I lost him to destiny. The first time ever I could not write it.

And the questions? My mind is screaming them.

Two years down the lane, when I am far away, will he remember me?
Will he remember the way I was?
Will he remember who I was?
Will he remember how my eyes were full of love for him?
Will he remember how he made me smile?
Will he remember I was alive?
Will he remember the day I died?
Will he remember how much others cried?
Will he remember what all I felt for him?
Will he ask himself if he was wrong?
Will he smile when he hears my name?
Will he admit I was there for him?
Will he care if I lived or not?
Will he cry if I am six ft under the ground?
Will he know what he meant?
Will he care if it will end?
Will he be there to see me go?
Will you see those tears that will flow?
Will those eyes ever show the loss?
Will those ears crave to hear my words?
Will that mouth ever say I was there?
Will he know how much I cared?
Will he come to end this fire?
Will he be there to crimate those ashes?
Will he fight like I did for him?
I wish I knew all these answers.
I wish he could tell me what he will feel.
I wish i knew it all before it ended.

So today, with all my courage, I will tell him all that I never could.

Dear whistler,
I wish I knew what to say because even today you make me forget all my words. There is so much I want to tell you, to share with you but I cannot. There are so many things for which I need to thank you.
Thank you for making me live. Thank you for helping me know who I am. Thank you for teaching me how to express myself. Thank you for letting me fall in love once. Thank you for staying when no one was there. Thank you for being the best friend I do not even deserve. Thank you for sweeping me off my feet. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you for existing. Thank you for hurting me.
In the end, thank you for making me hurt myself this bad that I forgot how to breathe.

With all the love in this world,

Your angel with marked wrist. Your angel with bleeding vein. Your angel with a pool of blood. Your angel returning to heaven.

Your angel delicately drowning. Your angel delicately dead.