I've been stupid. I was stupid for so long and tried to ignore it. I was stupid enough to believe that you could fix me. And even more so to believe that I could fix you. Being with you had been a ride from day one. I enjoyed it for the most part. I thought it would last forever..another stupid thought. But we weren't as right for each other as I thought. Or maybe we were as perfect for one another as I described, but the timing wasn't in our favor. It never is. Time was the one thing that kept us apart. The thing that kept us from moving forward. If we had been older, we would have had the resources and knowledge we needed to handle things properly. If we had more time to develop patience and our temper..a lot of our fights would have just been talks. We wouldn't have grown apart. We both changed so much since we first met. I'm not as nice and innocent as I was when you first met me. And you aren't as cuddly and gentle as you were back then. We've both grown to be strong people. Unfortunately, after a while, our personalities began to clash. I wasn't afraid to argue with you anymore. You weren't afraid of hurting me anymore. And I think that's where we lost our grip on our relationship. Romantic or not. That's where it changed. And that's not something that should be deemed as bad. We grew to be better people. You're struggling with your humanity and your mind now, I understand that. And I am happy to give you your space back. Whatever helps you. The part that deeply saddens me, however, is knowing that we will never be that close again. I can't let us. Because I'll cave and let myself fall just as hard for you again. I will not let that happen. I will not let myself be this hurt by you ever again. Maybe this breakup hurt you. Maybe you are glad to finally be rid of me. Maybe you're glad to have her back again. I don't care. It's tearing me to shreds at this point in time. I can't stop thinking about you. Having nightmares about you that I would have considered pleasant dreams a month ago. I keep going back and over analyzing everything we've said to each other. I'm trying to forget you...but how can you forget someone who meant the world and more to you..? I can't just...get rid of the last two years we'd spent together. No matter how much I want to or need to. I have no clue how this separation is for you, but I hope you're doing well. I hope she treats you with care. I hope she loves you better than I could. I hope you realize that I loved you the best that I could given the circumstances. I hope you and I can be apart for as long as it takes for you and I to be over each other. I need that. I need to be away from you until I'm okay again. And I don't think I will be for a long time. You meant so much to me. I wanted so much with you. A life. A family. A future. Now...now I want nothing more than for you to stay right where you are. And for me to stay here. I don't want to hear your voice, in fear that I'll fall in love with it. I don't want to feel your touch, in fear of what it might do to my body. I don't want to see your face, because I know I won't want to look away. You can say a lot of things, but you can never say that I didn't try. Or that I didn't love you. Because I did. And I still do. And I probably always will. Ich liebe dich. I shouldn't. But I do. Take care of yourself.
-Salena
