THIRTEEN FOR DINNER

Twenty-eight

TWENTY-EIGHT

             The day turned out gorgeous and by late afternoon the sun had pretty much dried everything out so I took off to the pond. I like it here. It’s quiet and secluded, a secret garden of sorts and I am in need of some alone time. I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve been sleep walking ever since Mike mouth vomited to Quillan about my mother. I wasn’t aware that Mike thought she was gone. He always agreed when I said she was just having trouble getting a hold of me.  Somehow hearing Mike say it, confirmed it for me. Mike’s right, he’s always right I just didn’t want to admit it but momma would have called by now. She would have found a way to get to me.

            I don’t know why I still continue to hold my tears at bay. No one is here and if I am to grieve losing her, now is the time to do it. Picking up a small stone I toss it in the still waters the way Quillan does. I’ve never been able to skip a rock before but this one skims the surface nearly five times. I don’t know why this excites me so, something so trivial in the midst of my grief but it does. I look around, wanting to show someone what I did but I’m alone. The tears pour down my face now. Is this how it is to be the rest of my life? Will there ever be anyone to share the simple moments with? I’m sobbing now and although I’m far from the house I cover my mouth to keep from wailing. Collapsing on the ground, I dig my hands into the grass, uprooting it and clawing at the soil. Tears soak my face and splash into the grass as passionately as the rain did this morning.

            Returning home holds no joy for me. There is no one there to welcome me back, no one to share my adventure with.  I have no desire to go home and face the empty apartment. I don’t want to check my voice mails one more time just to see her number is not there. I can’t clean out momma’s things, I just can’t, I’m too afraid of the memories and all the pain they will bring. I don’t have the courage to bear that hurt alone.  By now I’m crying so hard that I’m beginning to hyperventilate. I can’t breathe, air won’t come. I’m gasping and heaving and just when I think I might vomit I feel a hand on my back. I look up, straining to see through blurry eyes.

            Quillan sits down beside me. Pulling me close he lays my head on his lap and strokes my hair. Logically I would bolt right now. Why get used to something I won’t have? But I don’t. I will not deny myself this comfort. I won’t have him ten days from now but I do have him now so I stretch my legs out in the grass, use his lap as a pillow and continue crying.

            It takes about a half an hour until I drain my body of water. I couldn’t cry anymore if I wanted to. I’m empty and tired, oh so tired so I just lay on Quillan’s lap staring out over the water. The suns begins to set, disappearing behind the trees as the fireflies make their debut, entertaining me with a simple light show as they quietly hover near the heavy moss.

            “I skimmed a rock earlier,” I finally break the long silence.

            “You did?” I hear the laughter in his voice.

            “Yep, my first ever. It skipped about five times. I’ve never done that before.”

            “That’s great Avery; it’s a hard thing to do, especially five times.”

            He sounds proud and I’m content for now.

            I lay there a little longer before I decide to sit up. My eyes feel puffy and I am sure my nose looks like Rudolph but I don’t care. He’s never going to remember this anyway.

            “Thank you,” I tell him. He looks at me and smiles while pulling a handkerchief from his back pocket. He dips it into the water and then begins cleaning my face.

            “Am I a mess?” I ask

            “Well, dirty hands and wet tears make mud my dear.”

            “Oh great,” I say rolling my eyes.

            “When I sat down across from you at dinner that first night,” Quillan says while clearing the mud pie from my face, “I thought you were the prettiest girl I’d ever laid eyes on.”

            I laugh, “Oh that’s a good one Quillan, seeing you haven’t been around for very long.”

            “Hey, I come from heaven my dear and you far surpass any angel I’ve ever seen.”

            He makes me laugh and I think that makes him happy, at least it does me anyway.

            He sighs and somehow I have a feeling his next statement isn’t going to be that funny.

            “Avery, as much as I hate to admit it, Mike is good for you. He may be a smart ass and an egotistical know-it-all but he loves you, I can tell.”

            I don’t want to hear this. Not now, not sitting in a romantic garden, near a reflecting pond while the man of my dreams gently washes my face.

            “Please don’t say anymore,” I stop his hand from cleaning. “Not tonight, not now, not here. If I end up with Mike it will be because I realize I can’t live without him, not because it’s the sensible thing to do.”

            We watch the fireflies again, I lean back into his chest and he holds me. It’s nice and I feel safe for now.

            “You want to sleep here under the stars tonight?” he asks me. “We have no deliveries.”

            The thought thrills me. Sleeping outside under the stars has always been something I’ve wanted to do but of course I was always too afraid.

            “I’d love it,” I say and the next thing I know we are reclining in the soft clover. Quillan keeps his arm around me allowing me to use his chest as a pillow. The warm summer night is perfect, not too hot or muggy, just a slight breeze, floating across the garden, filling our nostrils with the heavenly scent of night blooming jasmine.  Cicadas, crickets and bull frogs are tuning up, ready to serenade us, singing us to sleep as the stars take over for the fireflies, dazzling us with their brilliance.  A star streaks across the black expanse leaving a glimmering trail.  Another first, I’ve actually never seen a real shooting star before.

            “Make a wish.” Quillan says, and I do.

            “I wish, one day, you will lie out here under these very stars and dream of me.”

            He says nothing but then I feel a soft kiss on the top of my head, then I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.