The Broken Princess Journals : Sally

8. Hung Up

06/03/06

"Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it's going to kill us."

Donna Tart - The Goldfinch

I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave the love behind

I ain't trippin
I'm just missing you
You know what I'm saying
You know what I mean

You kept me hanging from a string
Why you make me cry?
I tried to give you everything
But you just gave me lies

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you

I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Stacie Oricco - Stuck

It's been three months since my world came crashing down. I haven't spoken to Rian in ages I didn't think I could bear that sort of pain. The one time Rita dared to bring him up in a conversation she told me he was moving back to his dad's house in the capital. She tried to tell me how sorry he said he was and he tried to call and explain but I just couldn't. My heart had been shattered into a million pieces, I needed time. Besides I also heard from Trina how great things were going with her and Rian.

After that day she dropped a bomb on me, the next time she saw me she decided to confront me and tell me to stay away from her "boo". I stood there on the sidewalk completely stunned. When I had recovered myself enough I calmly informed her that I had no interest in Rian and I was sorry she had misunderstood that. My heart broke with every word. I felt so angry and betrayed. I wished I could forget him then.

Some days I hated him but, Rian was my first love I'm not sure how you can come down from that so I do the only thing I know how. I push on, I pray hard, do my work at the church and make decisions about school. But I won't lie I think about Rian every day and I pray. I pray to God asking Him to bring my Rian back to me. I can't live without him and he can't possibly love that girl, not the way we felt about each other.

I never eat during the day, only managing to force myself to eat a meal with my parents every night since they would ask me things if I don't eat with them. Most of the days I spend trying to keep my mind off of him. I've lost a lot of weight I know but I really can't force myself to eat more than the one meal in the evening and even that I barely touch.

I decided to go on a one week fast last week. I needed to pray because this whole situation wasn't right. I don't know if what I prayed for was right but I prayed that God would bring him back.

"Bring back my Rian Lord and I promise I'll do right. I love him so much that even though he hurt me I continue to love him."

And it is true. I still love him despite the hurt, despite the betrayal. I am his princess, he is my king I can't see beyond that. Mom noticed I wasn't doing well and losing all that weight so she took me to a clinic. I think she thinks I'm pregnant. That would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. The doctor says I'm really anemic. Well I haven't been eating.

Yesterday after church Donnie told me he loved me. He insisted that he believed I was the love of his life and we should be married one day. I almost laughed. Marriage? Would you know who you want to marry so young? Didn't he know my heart was already taken?

I tried to let him down easy but he got angry. Said hurtful things about how I would regret holding out for a player and why couldn't I give him a chance? I felt awful. I love Donnie, he's my friend. Maybe I could even love him if I didn't love Rian or if he wasn't so cocky most of the time. But that's just it, I don't feel that way about him. We argued for another thirty minutes until he eventually gave in but I can tell he's upset. I think I hurt his pride.

I sigh lying on my bed and stare at the ceiling. How did it all get so complicated so fast? Suddenly my phone beeps. A text message. I roll over to reach for the phone expecting to find a text from Abby. What I see makes me sit up on the bed really fast.

Rian: Princess I know you don't want to see me but I thought about it. You're the only one I love can't be without you. Can you ever forgive me?

I don't know whether to jump up and down or start dancing! Maybe it's pathetic but suddenly all my misery disappears. I knew he loves me. I knew he would come back. I don't think about the three months I have spent in misery. I don't think about how I haven't been eating and now I'm anemic. I don't consider the fact that he was with someone else. I lose myself in six words "You're the only one I love". I pick up my phone to type.

Me: Of course I forgive you boo!

And though there are times when I hate you
'Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
And even now, while I hate you,
It pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl
I'm no broken-hearted girl

Beyonce Knowles - Broken Hearted girl

'Q.