The Broken Princess Journals : Sally

2. Bad Habits

09/06/12

I roll over sleepily in the huge king-sized bed reaching out my hand to an empty space. Groaning I reach out for my phone and stare blankly at the screen. One look at my digital clock tells me all I need to know. It's 1:00 am and my husband isn't home. I sigh as a rush of familiar emotion washes over me. Anger, bitterness, panic, confusion, I don't even know what to feel first. I could call him, ask him where he is, but I know he'll just lie. I could get up and wait up for him, but we're only going to end up arguing when he gets here. The more I think, the more worked up I get, the more my head hurts. So I pick the phone up and dial his number. Here goes nothing.

It rings. That's new, usually by now, it'd be off. It rings again. I start to bite my nails to keep me distracted. After the third ring,

"Princess! Are you still up?" comes through the cheery voice on the other end.

"Donnie. Do you have any idea what time it is," I manage to mutter through my clenching teeth.

"Babe, I can explain, just got held up, you know looking for money but I'll be there soon ok? Oh and Sal I love you!" says my traitorous husband.

I don't even have the energy to respond to that today so I sigh and hang up. Well it could've been worse. Or it could get worse.

An hour later I sit up in my bed. Not really because I'm waiting up. I just always find it hard to fall asleep once I've woken up once. I sit looking at the empty space that Donnie should be occupying and think back to how when I was a little girl I always dreamt that one day I wouldn't have to sleep alone. It was the one thing I told myself every night , at some point I made up imaginary friends to talk to just to chase the loneliness away. I snorted derisively. Here I was living the dream. I fell asleep alone almost every night while my husband spent hours away doing, God knows what with God knows who. No that wasn't true, I had a pretty good idea what he was doing and with who. As if in cue I heard the front door knob rattle and my muscles tense at the sound of Donnie's laughter. At least one of us was having a good night.

"Sally, my angel, my princess. How is the love of my life?" I heard him call out.

I sighed heavily forcing myself to get out of the bed and meet my husband. At least he wasn't snapping that was an option too. I stepped into the living room and was immediately swept up in a huge bear hug.

"Hi sis! Ooh I've missed you," came a big booming voice that I couldn't help but smile at hearing.

"Put me down Mickey it's 2 in the morning," I squealed unable to help the little giggle that escaped me.

"So your brother brought you home as a peace offering right?" I demanded in mock seriousness.

"No I was just worried you'd be upset I kept your man out so late" Mickey said knocking my chin playfully.

Donnie came in and grabbed my waist from behind. I leaned into him more out of a force of habit than a show of affection as I listened to Mickey narrate how they had gone out to play pool, and talk about someone owing them money and taking too long about it. It was all a very lovely story with all the right punch lines and anecdotes to keep me laughing. I played along with the farce, but I was too well versed in this game. A casual observer would never have noticed the nervous shifting of Mickey's eyes as he narrated his story. It was a little something I'd picked up on in his Sunday school days that let me know when he was lying. We both know that he hasn't been with his brother all night. Donnie had probably picked him up when he realized that it was getting late and his alibies weren't tight. He didn't want to deal with my accusing silence or even any questions so he brought me my favorite brother in law knowing full well that I could never stay angry with Mickey around.

This is where we were after two years of marriage, creating a farce just so that we could get through a night. After a few minutes I bid the brothers good night and head off to bed. I can't take much more. I had sunk so far that my own husband thought of me as a child that could be lied to and pacified. It's not long before I hear him come into the room. I close my eyes feigning sleep. I don't want to talk, I'm too mentally exhausted to deal with Donnie tonight. I concentrate on the sounds of him getting ready. I can picture him changing with his usual monotonous routine and I hear him switch off the lights. My body tense as he lays beside me and I only notice I am holding my breath when I let out a sigh as he lays down with his back against mine. I only relax when I hear his breathing fall into a steady pattern and I know he is asleep. As always to get myself to sleep I thought of a song and some lyrics to play in my head. I smiled to myself as the words and music for Destiny's Child's "Bad Habit", flooded my brain. How ironic.

How many times
Are you gonna apologize about the same thing
And how many times can I take it back
When I'm not the one that's doing wrong
I thought maybe if I started praying that we would get better but
When I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

I told myself that I would make some changes
but the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake you.
You seem to really have a hold on me
And every time that we break up
we turn around and make up
this can't go on now I've gotta move on now
It's not that I don't love you no more
but I gotta break this bad habit can't take this bad habit no more

Destiny's Child, "Bad Habit"

I yawn sleepily thinking to myself how much I loved that song back in college I should really try and find it in the morning or at least when I wake up.