The Broken Princess Journals : Sally

12. And Then Came the Darkness

12/6/13

"What makes night within us may leave stars."

Victor Hugo - Ninety-Three

It's Daddy's birthday and I'm just getting the last parts of the salad for dinner ready in Mom's kitchen. It's taking me longer than usual to finish with everything today, I can't seem to control my body, I don't feel strong enough but I'm sure it's just fatigue. Donnie hasn't been home for two days. He spends more time away from home these days. I feel guilty about the fact that I'm so relieved by that fact. I must be as evil as he always paints me to be. I mean who feels relieved about the fact that their husband spends days away from home?

I wish I could feel different but I just can't. When he's around there is just too much tension. His temper is unpredictable, even the kids are starting to notice it. I pause and grin at a determined looking 18 month old Dion and eight year old Anna as they run through the kitchen Anna of course in the lead.

"Hey no running in Grandma's kitchen you know better," I say sternly.

"Sorry mama," Anna says meekly while Dion toddles over to me and grabs my leg giggling happily.

"I love you too baby boy," I say scooping him up in a huge embrace my heart full. At least one good thing had come out of my misery. These beautiful kids were what kept me going.

Reluctantly I put the bouncing toddler down and get back to the salad. Mom and Dad will be back home any moment and we can eat.

I feel my phone vibrate in my jean pocket. A message.

Donnie: Hi. Just thought I'd let you know things here aren't going to well. The guys that owe me money told me they can only give it to me tomorrow.

I sigh audibly and Anna looks sharply at me.

"You okay mama?" she asks with more concern than an eight year old should show.

"I'm okay baby. Listen take Dion to the TV room and watch something. We'll eat as soon as Grandma and Grandpa get here okay?" I say forcing a reassuring smile on my face.

Anna hesitates looking at my face about to question me again but thinking better of it.

"Let's go Di," she says grabbing Dion's hand and heading towards the TV room.

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The five of us sit around the table, Mom, Dad, myself and the kids. Donnie isn't here and I'm grateful to my parents for not bringing it up . It's Dad's birthday so I'm guessing no one wants to bring up depressing topics. Everyone is laughing and talking including myself although I feel like I'm watching everything as an outside observer.

That headache I had earlier is still persistent and my body aches terribly. I think I need to slow down, I haven't been getting enough rest. It seems the more distant Donnie gets, the more I drown myself in busyness. I rarely eat and I hardly sleep. His comments have become more and more caustic and demeaning. His reactions are so violent, I can't ask him anything anymore without getting an unnecessary reaction. I try to avoid these confrontations as much as possible because my little Annie has started noticing. I overheard her tell mom the other day how she thinks Daddy is bad because he isn't nice to Mommy. I didn't grow up like that. No child should grow up like that.

I suddenly recall where I am. This isn't the time or the place to be having these kinds of thoughts. I almost surprise myself and manage to startle Mom and Dad in the process as I jump up and practically shriek,