The Broken Princess Journals : Sally

7. Numb

10/01/11

"I was enveloped in numbness, and absence of feeling so deep the bottom was lost from view."

Haruki Murakami, The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

I stretch out on the carpet, welcoming the hardness of the floor after spending most of the afternoon trying to make myself comfortable on the couch. The TV is on but the volume is off. I don't want to hear the voices, they are giving me a headache. My back hurts, I can't keep any food down and I feel nasty. One of those bad pregnant girl days I guess but I don't mind because it's my week off.

Donnie left around ten o'clock, said he was going out to find me some candy. I really wanted some Skittles, maybe my favorite candy would take away the bitter taste in my mouth.

"Can't wait for you to come out and play," I smile rubbing my belly.

"Maybe your Daddy will stay home a little more," I say sighing sadly.

Weirdly I seem to find the floor a lot more comfortable than the couch and I manage to doze off.

I wake up hours later on the ground to a faint beeping sound. Sounds like it's coming from the couch. I get up a little quickly it seems as I experience a rush of dizziness. I reach my hand into the couch and feel something hard and cold. Suddenly there is a beeping sound again and this time the hard cold thing vibrates in my hand. Donnie's phone. He must have forgotten it and left in a hurry.

The screen lights up as it starts to ring, some worship song I don't know as the ring tone. I look at the caller ID, the name flashing on the screen is Aera. My heart sinks, Aera? The only person I know with that name is Donnie's ex-girlfriend. The one he dated for years to get over the fact that I hadn't wanted to be with him when we were younger. The thing about Aera is that her first name was Sally just like me. He would save her as Aera in his phone to tell the difference between us.

Maybe it should have disturbed me that when I said no to Donnie, he went and found a girl with the same first name as me and tried to pretend she was me. It should have disturbed me that as soon as he thought he had a chance with me he got rid of her and from the beginning of our relationship he insisted on us getting ready for marriage. A lot of things should have disturbed me but this was Donnie. Donnie who had stayed faithfully in love with me for years. My Donnie. The same Donnie who's phone was ringing with another girls name on the screen.

Normally I wouldn't, but I answer the phone and say nothing.

"Hello? Baby, you there?" comes a voice from the other end of the line.

"Donnie? Donnie?. Urgh where is this man?" I hear before the line is cut.

I'm numb, completely numb. Did she just call my husband baby?

Suddenly I get a sharp pain in my abdomen. I can't do anything about it as I writhe in pain clutching the phone to my chest. This is normal right? Oh gosh let this be normal I tell myself as another wave of pain shoots through my back and abdomen.

A few more hours pass and Donnie isn't home yet. It's dark outside and I still feel pain in my abdomen. There is a knock at the door but I can't get up. I hear my mother's voice calling out,

"Sally? Donnie? Anyone home?"

"Mommy!," I shout out my voice hoarse and scratchy.

I hear the door open and the last thing I see before closing my eyes is my mom's face etched with alarm and worry before I close my eyes.

Hours later, I don't know how many, I sit up in my bed. Earlier I had woken up in a hospital bed. My mom was there, and so was my Dad. I listened as they told me how I had lost my baby. My mom begged me to tell her what was stressing me so much, what had got my BP up so high that I had lost my baby.

I told her I was fine. What could possibly stress me. I assured them both that everything was fine and I asked to be taken home. The doctor wanted to observe me but what would he possibly observe? I needed to be home. Somehow I got my parents to leave me here. They wanted to wait for Donnie but I wouldn't let them. If he found them here he would just be angry and besides I knew he wasn't coming home tonight. I also finally knew why he didn't come home so often. My poor baby had to suffer for it, but at least I knew now where I stood. I understand who Donnie is and I won't let this happen again.

I can't sleep tonight but not because of the pain. It all hurt so much at once that now I am numb. I forced myself to think about where Donnie was tonight, about where he was every time he said he was going to look for work or do some business. I forced myself to think about it and steeled myself against the impact of the reality of those thoughts. This is the only way to get through this, to become numb.

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"

-Linkin Park, Numb

"How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home"
― ,

B+{Qa