Months 13-14.
In December, I finally faced the realization that I had developed feelings for Phillip. This blew my mind. I can say that in my entire adult life, I have never cared for any man the way I care about Phillip. I wanted very much to be accepted and liked by Phillip. I wanted his approval. More importantly, I wanted Phillip's to be my advisor and mentor, and I his protégée.
I always believed that before I could develop feelings for any man I needed to be intimate with him. No one ever explained that there existed many forms of intimacy. Or that, caring and intimacy did not have to be displayed in physical form. I did not realize that caring could grow and be nurtured through daily contact with an individual. I am not an expert on male and female relationships, but I do know that if two people see each other five days a week, eight hours a day, feelings and attraction can naturally develop even with the best intentions.
Phillip was constantly coming by my office to help me; he even sat in my office assisting me with various tasks. He spent so much time with me, that whenever the secretaries could not locate him they would call and ask me if he was in my office.
I know that the warning bells and lights should have been flashing and ringing big time, but there were no flashes, not even a flicker. At times, I felt extremely ill-at-ease with him being so close. If he stayed too long, I would shred papers, become fidgety, and play with my clothes. My eyes could no longer conceal my true feelings and I was ashamed. I would not look at Phillip directly, I did not want him or anyone else in the office to know that I had a crush on him. I kept repeatedly telling myself, he's married and unattainable.
Phillip was steadfast and patient in his pursuit. Day in and day out, he would promenade past my office door monitoring my male company. At times, I felt as though he were guarding a soon to be prize.
Late one afternoon I was helping Tony Smith with a programming problem. Tony worked in Licensing as a computer programmer. We would often stopped by each other's office to talk or help with a programming jam.
"Tony, your program appears to be in a loop," I said intensely watching the computer monitor.
"Yeah, I know. I tried to run the debugger but I still can't find the error."
The side door next to my office opened and then shut. I frowned. I knew without looking, it was Phillip Sanders.
"Tony, why do you have this sub-routine calling this one?"
Slam! It was Phillip again leaving through the side door.
"Maybe I should go," Tony said nervously.
"Why?" I asked, raising a surprised eyebrow.
"Because, every time I come to your office, your boss starts."
"That's just your imagination."
"No it's not. Mike said that Phillip behaves the same way when he's in your office. Torah, I've been here for less than one hour and Phillip has come in and out of that side door at least a dozen times. People talk and everyone is not blind."
"Tony, what are you trying to say?" I asked, nervous chewing my bottom lip.
"Let just say, I like you but I don't want any trouble. Phillip is a big man in Mississippi and knows all the right people. The wrong word from him and you could find yourself permanently black balled from the job market."
All the other black males in the building began to avoid me. If one should happen to stop by my office to visit, he never returned. Phillip would walk by give him a funny look then scowl me with eyes, mentally saying, "You know better." I felt as though Phillip and I were dating and had a relationship, just not verbally spoken.
