Month 19.
Phillip and I were once again having our ups and downs. He did not call like he said he would. In fact, I hardly saw him anymore. If I did not get to the office before 8:00 a.m., I would not even see him. I began to feel as though Phillip was intentionally avoiding me.
Why did Phillip have to be like this? I had given him an opportunity to end the affair. Phillip was playing me cheap and I was letting him get away with it. I did not like the way he was making me feel. All he had to do was pick up the telephone in his office and call. Was that asking too much? Apparently so, because he never did.
My mind began to run away with me. I told myself that Phillip Sanders was a busy man. After all, I reasoned, he had a wife and children. What was going on here? If Phillip did not want to be bothered, all he had to do was say so. He did not have to go to the trouble of trying to avoid me. To be completely honest, I saw more of Phillip before I slept with him. I decided that the best thing to do was not to jump to conclusions and to tell Phillip directly how I felt.
I decided to mail him an e-mail message and ask him if we could speak. I was feeling very insecure about things and I needed some reassurance from Phillip that things were okay.
FROM: Torah James
TO: Phillip Sanders
RE:
Message: I need to talk to you at your earliest convenience.
FROM: Phillip Sanders
TO: Torah James
RE:
Message: Will do.
Phillip had agreed to see me. At 4:35 p.m., Phillip came by my office and said, "Look busy, like you're working on something. I'll be back to get you as soon as everyone leaves."
I did as he requested and as soon as everyone left, Phillip telephoned me and told me to come to his office.
I was not in the best mood when I entered Phillip's office. I wanted him to know that I did not like the way that things were going. This situation/relationship was extremely one sided. I wanted Phillip to know that he did not have to hide from me.
"T.J., how are things with you?" Phillip asked, as he took off his suit jacket and seated himself at the conference table across from me.
"If you would call sometimes, you might find out," I responded. "Phillip, if you want out, all you have to do is say so. You don't have to go around avoiding me. It bothers me when you do."
"T.J., I've been very busy. I am sorry if you feel neglected. It's just that I've had a lot on my mind lately."
"Phillip, my mother teaches a class at the University every Wednesday night. I will be home by myself."
"O.K. that's good to know. I will call you."
"Phillip, you and I would not have a problem if you would just call sometimes. I like you and it would not take much. Do you understand what I am saying?"
"O.K., T.J."
"Phillip, what can I expect from you?"
Phillip raised his arms above his head and stretched out in the chair. He scooted his body downward until he was in a fully relaxed position.
"Friendship. T.J., I will always be your friend."
"Well, how can you be a friend when you don't see me, or communicate with me? Friends talk to each other and spend some time together."
"I will spend time with you. It's just that I've never been this busy since I started working at DPS. Don't you see me running back and forth to meetings? But I can do better, I will do better."
"If you can't call me at home, could you at least call me in the office or come by my office. Phillip, I miss you."
"T.J., I'm not trying to avoid you. But I will call and come by."
As I was attempting to get everything finally out in the open, I felt something bumping against my feet. It was Phillip, playfully knocking his feet against my feet underneath the conference table. My body began to react. A warm sensation began to spread throughout my body. How could this man do this to me so easily? Was I that weak? I had often heard other women say that they were weak for some given man in their life. But this had never happened to me before, until now. It did not take much on Phillip's part to get me into the mood. I wanted to continue the conversation so that I could get a full understanding of this situation but I knew that it was going to be impossible.
"Phillip, what is it between you and me? For the life of me, I just don't understand it."
"T.J., it's lust, passion, the taste of forbidden fruit, mixed with love."
I meditated on Phillip's last word, and thought, yes, love, but love on whose part?
Just then, Phillip's private telephone began to ring. We just sat there staring at each other. I knew that it was Phillip's wife. I thought that Phillip would answer it but he did not move, he just sat there intensely staring at me.
"T.J., I want to make love to you."
*** * ***
It had rained for two weeks straight. The worst flooding Mississippi had seen since '65. We were in a state of emergency. I drove home that evening in a down pour, stopping along the highway from time to time because of poor visibility. When I finally arrived home Ma and Alarah were in the kitchen cooking. I quietly slipped into the house and went directly to my bedroom. A few minutes later, my mother appeared.
I was lying on my bed with my eyes closed.
"Torah, are you feeling all right?" She asked.
I opened my eyes and looked up at my mother who suddenly seemed so much talker.
"Yes, I'm all right. Just tired," I lied.
"We did not hear you come in. All the overtime hours you have been working lately, they need to give you some time off to recuperate."
I frowned and rolled my eyes upward.
"Torah, I told the Realtor we would meet her this Saturday to look at new homes. I just hope that it's not raining Saturday. The weather man projects sunshine," Ma said, glancing out of my bedroom window.
"Saturday sounds good Ma," I dryly replied.
"Torah, I know that something is troubling you, but I will not push. If you need to talk, I am here."
"Ma, I'm a little tired and need to rest right now, could you please close my door on the way out?"
My mother did as I asked and closed the door as she left my room. I hated lying to her. But I did not have the courage to tell her about me and Phillip.
